A Battle of Wills, And Other Things
by TheSolitaryNoodle
Summary: Bellatrix Lestrange, Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy are competing to see who can become Lord Voldemort's Most Faithful Servant. Appearances from Draco, Voldy, Narcissa, Wormtail, Rodolphus and other random Death Eaters. Humor. During DH, so spoilers ther
1. Arguments

Hello tharr. :D

**This is a random plot bunny I thought of while being bored to tears in science. I think it's quite a good one, and so do my friends. So… here it is!**

**There will be ****ten chapters**** in all, by the way.**

**I'm not JKR. But I do love chocolate. And reviews… -hint-hint-**

A Battle of Wills… and Other Things.

Severus Snape sat at his desk in the Headmaster's office at Hogwarts' School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, staring murderously at the pile of papers lying in front of him. The Dark Lord didn't mention _this_ when he said he wanted Snape to become the Headmaster.

Snape reached out with his pale hand and snatched the top paper from the toppling pile, before leaning back in the shadows as his dark eyes scanned the scrawl littering it.

Neville Longbottom: refused to practise Cruciatus curse on Colin Creevey. A week of detentions. Alecto Carrow.

Snape sighed heavily, picking up his quill and dipping it in ink. Scrawling _S. Snape_ at the bottom of Carrow's report, he glanced up at the teetering pile of papers to be read, and at the clock, before deciding to give up. He'd have Amycus do it another time.

Snape stood up and made his way towards the door to his rooms, but a searing pain in his left forearm distracted him. Glancing down, even though he knew immediately what he would see, he saw his Dark Mark glow black against his sallow skin.

He grabbed a travelling cloak from the coat rack by the main door to the office, and apparated away. The Dark Lord had made sure that the anti-Apparition spell didn't apply for the Headmaster's office, so that he could get to Death Eater meetings faster, without attracting the attention of the students.

When Snape arrived in front of the Dark Lord, he knelt down and kissed the hem of the snake-eyed man's robes, noticing a dark red lipstick smudge already there. _Oh, Bellatrix…_ he thought, silently laughing inside.

The black-haired man stood up straight, but with his head respectfully bowed. "You called for me, my Lord?"

"Yes, Severus… Wait in the side room for me."

"Yes, my Lord." Snape turned and headed towards the oak door behind his throne. Pushing it open, he saw a very odd sight.

Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy were glaring daggers at each other over the huge table that usually served as their main meeting point. Neither of them spoke, though their hatred for each other was evident in the way they looked at each other. Lucius was leaned back in his seat; the Malfoy distaste etched on his smoothly chiselled pictures, while Bellatrix sat forward, insane hatred burning from her dark eyes.

They both looked up when Severus walked in the door. Bellatrix wrinkled her nose a bit, sneering.

Lucius nodded slightly at him. "Severus…"

Snape nodded back. "Lucius… Bellatrix…" He smirked slightly at the look of hatred on his fellow Death Eater's once-beautiful face.

"Snape." She spat, as if his name were an unmentionable disease. He smirked, and nodded mockingly at her. She opened her mouth to scream at him, but Lucius intervened.

"Spare us, Bella." He drawled, rolling his grey eyes. Severus smirked. Bellatrix sat back, ignoring his comment, and tried to look natural.

At that moment, the door banged open, and in walked the Dark Lord, Nagini resting peacefully on his shoulder. When the no-nosed man reached the head of the table, the huge snake slithered off his shoulders and onto the wooden table. "Severus, sit." The Dark Lord nodded to a chair as he spoke in his cold, high voice.

Snape sat.

"Bella, Lucius, Severus… you all have something in common. Yes, Bella, you do." He added, as Bellatrix had started an angry outburst at being compared to Snape. She shrank back in her seat under her beloved master's red-eyed gaze. "Yes, you all have one thing in common. And this is, you have all claimed to be my most faithful servant."

Immediately, the room was filled with the three Death Eater's protests. 'My Lord, I _am_ your most faithful! I would do anything for you!' or 'Sir, you know I am your most faithful! You said it yourself!' and 'Please, my Lord, I do not _claim_ to be. I _am_.'

The Dark Lord held up his unnaturally long-fingered hand, and silence fell almost instantly. "I need to find out _who_ is my most faithful. In exactly one week's time, I will review who has served me most faithfully. They shall be rewarded with more than they ever could have dreamed. That is all." And before anyone could say anything, the Dark Lord had stridden from the room, Nagini slithering close behind.

The three Death Eaters sat in silence, until Bellatrix laughed loudly, and quite insanely. "Oh, please, as if there's any competition…"

Lucius smirked arrogantly at his sister-in-law. "I know. I've got this thing in the bag."

A corner of Snape's mouth turned upwards at Lucius' reply. Bellatrix, however, stood up, knocking her chair over. "How _dare_ you?" She fumed. "Do you seriously _think_ that you have any right to that title? _I_ am the only person here who deserves it! _I_ who spent so many years in Azkaban for him, _I_-"

But Snape interrupted her rant. "I have said it before, Bellatrix, and I will say it again. A fat lot of good you did him in Azkaban. Now, instead of giving him _useful_ information, what do you do? Bore him to a near death with tales of how terrible Azkaban is?"

Bellatrix seemed to have lost her flair. "Sn- Snape, you filthy… half-blood, you…"

Lucius chuckled, leaning back in his chair and looking at both of them. "Ah, it will be fun to watch your faces when the Dark Lord announces that _I_ am his most faithful."

Snape looked malevolently at Lucius, opening his mouth to retaliate, but Bellatrix cut him off, insane fury radiating from her malnourished body. "Really, Lucius, what in the world makes you think you are our Master's most loyal?"

Lucius smirked, looking from her to Severus and back again. "Why, my _family_, of course." He chuckled again at the blank looks on their faces. "Think about it. I am a Pureblood," Lucius shot a scathing look at Severus as he said this, "And, yes, Bella, so are you, I'm not saying that you're not. The Blacks are an incredibly pure family. I respect that. But, Bellatrix, _but_, unlike the Blacks, the Malfoys have never had a Blood-Traitor taint their family."

Bellatrix glared at him, but with something else, that neither Lucius nor Severus could place, flickering in her black eyes. "I- I don't know what you're talking about, Lucius." She said finally.

Lucius smirked as he watched her wasted face turn a blotchy red with embarrassment. "You know, Bellatrix, I think you sometimes forget that I am married to your sister. I went to Hogwarts with you. Do you honestly think I will believe you when you say that you have no sisters besides Narcissa? I know full well about the other one. And not forgetting your cousin you recently polished off. Though, you can hardly be given full credit for that… if the veil hadn't been there, he'd still be alive and well. A Stunning spell, Bella? Not exactly the most inventive spell to use on an estranged cousin, especially with your reputation. Who knows, maybe you did still have feelings for the mongrel after all."

Bellatrix was furious, now. Static seemed to be crackling around her, and her eyes were blazing with insanity, anger and hurt pride. "H-how dare you…? The Blacks are… always have been… Dromeda has no relevance to this situation…" She gave up with words, whipping out her wand and pointing it at the blonde's head.

Lucius was intent on angering her further, despite the fact that he knew of her talent in the Cruciatus curse. "Chosen an outfit for your nieces' wedding yet, Bella?" He quipped, hand on his wand inside his snake cane for safety.

Bellatrix screamed, on the verge of killing him right then and there, but her wand flew out of her hand and into Snape's. He pocketed it, ignoring her second shriek of anger.

"To be fair, Lucius, I don't think your family is your strongest point." Snape said smoothly. "I taught your son for six years, you see, and he was beaten by a Mudblood in every lesson he had."

Lucius choked and stood up. It was his turn to go red with embarrassment. "S-Severus, I…"

An insane cackle came from the other side of the table. "Not so cocky now, are we, Lucius?"

Lucius snapped his head round to glare at Bellatrix. "May I remind you that he's your nephew, _Bellatrix_?" He snapped.

Bellatrix looked from him, to Snape, and back again. "Shut up, Snape!" She said when she realised that he'd insulted her family. Both men smirked at her sudden change of opinion. "And besides, Snape, there is no need to bring Draco into this! Lucius has no hope of winning this little feud! I am his favourite, his most loyal servant, his most faithful…"

"Well, you're certainly his favourite whore." Snape put in.

Bellatrix's jaw dropped, and she grasped in her pockets for her wand, which Snape still had. Lucius burst out laughing.

"H-how…? I… you… Sn-Snape, I…" Bellatrix stuttered, looking at him. When words failed her, she sat down heavily and stared at her high-heeled leather boots.

"But, you know, Snape…" Bellatrix hissed, her eyes alive with malice again as a new idea came to her. "I remember Sirius telling me something… years ago… about you and a certain Mudblood?"

Severus paled. Lily. She was talking about Lily. How _could_ she? In one fluid movement, Severus had grabbed his wand and was pointing it at her head. She smirked, and Snape could suddenly see that shocking resemblance to her late cousin who'd taken it as his duty to make Snape's life hell.

"Tetchy subject?" She mocked.

Snape's pallid face contorted in anger. Pushing past a bewildered Lucius, he strode round the table and stopped in front of, pushing his wand into her pale throat.

"Now, now, Snape…" She taunted, but he didn't miss the flicker of fear behind her masquerade of confidence.

"Erm… Father? Auntie Bella? P-Professor?" A quiet voice came from the doorway.

Severus stepped back from Bellatrix, pocketing his wand when he saw Draco in the doorway.

Lucius spoke first; Bellatrix and Severus were to busy glaring at each other. "Yes, Draco? What is it?"

"Erm… the Dark Lord sent me in here to make sure you weren't killing each other…" He sent a meaningful look at his aunt and ex-Professor as he said this, "Oh, and Auntie Bella, Mother says that she wants the hundred galleons you owe her back tonight or you'll regret it. Her words, not mine."

Bellatrix nodded, massaging her throat where Snape's wand had dug into it and glaring at the back of his greasy head.

Lucius sat back down in his chair, pulling one up for Draco as well. His son obediently sat down in it.

Severus turned back to look at the mad witch still glaring at him hatefully. "My wand, Snape?" She snapped, holding out her hand.

Severus reached into his pocket and took out her wand. He laid it on he table, and she snatched it up, pointing it at her opponent's head. "Now, Draco…" She hissed, her black eyes still fixed on the Professor, "Let me show you the correct way to ridding the world of scum."

Lucius leant back in his seat, watching his insane-looking sister-in-law amusedly. "Bella, please, will you stop doing that?"

She was put off at this. "Like what?" She said, lowering her wand subconsciously.

"Being all insane. It gets quite annoying."

Bellatrix's eyes blazed with anger. "I AM PERFECTLY SANE!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Sure you are." Lucius smirked. Narcissa had told him how tetchy she was about her sanity, especially since Azkaban, and he'd been dying to try it out on her. His wife was right; the results were hilarious.

"I AM!!" She shrieked back.

Snape intervened. "Bellatrix, I assure you, you are not sane."

"SHUT UP! I AM AS SANE AS ANY OF YOU!!"

"So the excessive shouting is…?"

Bellatrix looked, for once, lost for words. She opened and closed her mouth, looking from Snape, to Lucius, and back again.

"Erm…" Draco put in subconsciously, blushing a furious red as the three adults turned to him. "Nothing." He said, looking down.

Lucius tapped his son's shoulder with the head of his snake cane. "Well, Draco, who do you think will win?"

"Erm…" He said again. "Well, err…"

Lucius answered for him. "Me. You think _I'll_ win, don't you, Draco?"

"Erm…"

Snape leant over the table. "Draco, may I remind you that I am the Headmaster of the school you are meant to be attending this very moment, and it would be unwise to anger me."

Draco gulped as he said, "Erm…" again.

Everybody looked at Bellatrix for her threat to her nephew, but she just narrowed her eyes at him. Subconsciously, Draco shifted back in his seat a little as his insane aunt glared at him.

"Bella!" He blurted out when he could take no more of her glares. "Bella's going to win!"

Bella smirked, sitting down in her seat. Lucius and Severus glared at the teenager.

"What?" Draco said defensively. "She gave me the _Glare_ and she's… insane, and stuff, and-"

"I'M NOT INSANE!!" Came the woman in question's shriek.

But before any of the others could answer her, their forearms burned, the skulls tattooed on them turning black. With a parting glare, Bellatrix apparated away, closely followed by the other three.

**So, what do you think? Drop a review and let me know!**

**Thanky yous,**

**Ellie xxxx**


	2. The Meeting

Hey! :D

**So, here's the newest instalment of A Battle of Wills. What do you think about the title? It was originally 'A Battle of Wills… and Other Things', but cuts out the '…' in the title. So, erm, if you have a good idea for this story title, leave a review. :D **

**Just so you know, the pairings in this will be Lucius/Narcissa, Bellatrix/Rodolphus, Bellatrix/Voldemort, and mentions of old one-sided Snape/Lily.**

**This chapter contains DH spoilers with the whole Snape thing.**

I am not JKR. Isn't it one of the seven deadly sins to pretend to be a Goddess?

**Thanks so much to everyone who read/reviewed/favourited/alerted the first chappie. This is for you guys! Chapter ****2 of 10****. Oh, and enjoy!**

Chapter 2- The Meeting

Bellatrix appeared at the table, the three others appearing behind her. The Dark Lord watched them from the head of the table, an amused smirk on his lipless mouth. Bellatrix sat down in between her sister and husband, ignoring the huff of triumph from Snape as he passed her to sit at the Dark Lord's right hand. Lucius sat on the other side of his son, who'd sat at Narcissa's other side.

There weren't many others there - just the other Lestranges, and a few minor Death Eaters.

"My followers…" Lord Voldemort began. "We find ourselves in a good position. Our men have infiltrated the Ministry, and we have the say of how the Wizarding World is run. The re-education of our students at Hogwarts is going as planned, thanks to the Carrows and Severus."

Snape took this opportunity to smirk at Bellatrix and Lucius. They glared back at him, and Snape suddenly realised exactly why Draco had sided with his psychotic aunt. He couldn't blame the poor boy.

The Dark Lord's high voice carried across the table, jolting the three adults back to reality. "Our position must not move until we have clear. A week, at minimum. Of course, _three_ of you will have other things on your hands-"

Narcissa tried to catch her elder sister's gaze, but Bellatrix was sitting on the edge of her seat. Only a few inches of chair stopped her from falling off onto the floor. Narcissa smirked. This was too good an opportunity to miss…

Placing the flat of her hand against the small of Bellatrix's back, Narcissa pushed. Just as she hoped, the black-haired witch went toppling from her seat and onto the floor with a resounding clatter. Everyone fell silent and stared at her. One man, whose face was so squished and flabby that looked like he'd run headfirst into a wall, sniggered loudly.

Bellatrix jumped up and almost threw herself back onto her seat, trying to act as if nothing happened. She coughed, and shrunk back in her chair, sending psychopathic glares at her sister out of the corner of her eye.

Narcissa ignored her, and focused on a scratch in the able in front of her, trying to stifle her laughter.

"Bella? You have something to say?" Came the high, cold voice from the end of the table.

Bellatrix blushed a blotchy red and opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, looking very much like a goldfish. "N-no my Lord, I was just… I… I, err… sorry." She choked out, staring at the floor.

Her sister burst into a silent fit of giggles next to her. Lucius looked coldly amused. Draco looked as if he didn't know whether to laugh or not.

"Well then, Bella," The red-eyed man hissed malevolently at her, "May I suggest you _sit still_ and stop making a scene!"

Bellatrix nodded, her dark eyes pleading with her master for forgiveness, so embarrassed that she didn't even try to hit her sister back as Narcissa shook in a silent fit of laughter in the chair beside her. "Yes, my Lord." She mumbled, defeated.

Lord Voldemort glared at her once more, and continued. "As I was saying, I am doing well in this war. Harry Potter would be a fool to try and defeat us now. That is all." With that, the Dark Lord stood and left the room, Nagini draped over his black-cloaked shoulders.

Bellatrix stared after him, shifting to the edge of her chair again. When she felt her sister's hand gently pushing her back once more, she stood up and whirled around.

"Why would you do that to me, Cissy? _Why? _What did I ever do to you?" She snapped.

Narcissa just raised an eyebrow at her. "_What did you ever do to me?_ Bella, do you seriously want me to answer that?"

Bellatrix narrowed her eyes at her younger sister. "Well, no… but _shove me off my chair_? In front of everyone, _and_ the Dark Lord? Why??"

Both of the sisters didn't realise that everyone was watching them; either that or they didn't care.

Narcissa shrugged. "It was too tempting- you were right on the edge of your chair. And you were staring at the Dark Lord in that freaky way you have."

"Shut up. I was not staring at him freakily, I was just… listening intently."

"Oh, give it up, Bella. We've all seen you lust over the table at him."

A few people sniggered at this last remark. Bellatrix took a step backwards, and tripped, landing heavily on her chair. "I- I do not lust over the table at him!"

Narcissa smirked. "Yes you do."

Lucius lent forward in his seat before his sister-in-law could say anything. "You do, Bella. It's quite obvious, actually." He said smoothly, his smoothly chiselled features curling into a mocking smile at his hated sister-in-law's discomfort.

A few people murmured their agreement. Bellatrix glared at them. They shut up.

Suddenly the most unlikely person joined in the conversation: Rodolphus Lestrange. "What's wrong with her lusting over the table at me? I mean, I _am_ her husband."

Everyone fell silent at Rodolphus' comment, an awkward silence filling the air. His brother Rabastan suddenly snorted with laughter, breaking the tension, and Bella said, "Rod, honey, just… stay out of this, ok?"

"Alright, Belle." He said, pulling her onto his lap and stroking her hair. Bellatrix looked extremely bemused, as did everyone else.

A chair scraping the floor as it was pushed back caused everyone's heads to turn. Severus had stood up, and was walking to the door. She stopped when he felt everyone's eyes on him, and turned back to them, sneering. "What?"

Lucius spoke up. "Going to go suck up to the Dark Lord behind our backs, _Sevvy_? I thought that was Bella's job."

As soon as she realised that they were speaking about the 'competition', Bellatrix whirled around on Rodolphus' lap. "Yeah!" She protested, glaring at the sallow-skinned potions master. It was a few seconds before she got what Lucius was trying to say, and she twisted in her husband's lap to face her sister's husband again. "Hey!"

Both Narcissa and Lucius laughed at her remark. Bellatrix aimed a kick at her sister's shins. Narcissa muttered something about insane lunatics under her breath. Bella glared insanely at her.

"Actually, no, I wasn't." Snape sneered. "I was on my way to see if I am required to return to Hogwarts."

"Sure." Said Lucius, raising an eyebrow.

Severus stalked over to him. "I'll have you know, Malfoy, that I don't need to 'suck up', as you put it. I am above such childish behaviour."

Bellatrix lifted her chin up indignantly. "And so are we." She said.

Snape turned to her. "And that is why the Dark Lord scolded you like a five-year-old, yes Bellatrix?"

Bellatrix set her jaw, looking incredibly like her late cousin. "Shut up, Snape."

"So full of witty remarks, aren't you?" Severus sneered at her.

Bellatrix stood up, knocking her husband's hand out of the way, and took a step towards the sallow-skinned man. She took out her wand, and pointed it into his throat. She was a head shorter than him. "I'd watch it, if I were you, _Snape,_ if you like your face the way it is. I don't see how you could, but…"

Snape opened his mouth to sneer, but Bellatrix spoke again. "Or does the Mudblood like your face like that? _Did_ the Mudblood, I mean…"

How _dare_ she speak about Lily like that? His Lily, who he'd loved with all his heart. And she, Lestrange, was standing there, mocking her death…

Without thinking about what she would do, or how the others would react, Snape hit her.

His clenched fist slammed with decades of hatred behind it into her jaw. He felt a few of her teeth splinter under his brutal attack.

Her head snapped back with the force of his blow, and she stumbled backwards, but as Rodolphus had been drawing circles on her lower back from where he had been sitting in his chair behind her, she fell straight into her husband's arms.

Rodolphus stood up, setting his wife on her feet again, and pulling his arm back, ready to hit Snape back. Bellatrix grabbed his wrist, restraining him. The minor Death Eaters scurried out of the room, terrified at the thought of a full-out brawl between a madwoman, a madwoman's equally insane, but very strong, husband and the current Headmaster of Hogwarts.

"I wouldn't have done that if I were you, Snape…" Bellatrix hissed, stepping towards him again. Blood was trickling slowly down her chin from her mouth, and it made her look more demented than ever.

Before he could answer, Narcissa had brushed past him gently and grabbed her sister's arm, dragging her away. "Bella, we've been through this. Leave it. Know when you're not going to win."

Bellatrix yanked her arm out of her sister's grip, glaring. "_Know when I'm not going to win_? Narcissa, I could beat the living daylights out of this scum with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back!"

"Is that a bet, Lest-" Severus started, but silenced when Narcissa met his gaze with a _please-don't-get-her-wound-up-I-don't-want-her-getting-more-insane-than-she-is-already_ look in her eyes.

However, she spoke completely differently to her sister. "Pfft, hardly. He just split your lip, in case it escaped your notice, and probably broke a few of your teeth, more likely than not. You seriously need some ego deflating… not to mention some sanity tests, too…"

"_I_ need some ego deflating? _I _do? Bit rich coming from the snottiest Malfoy around, and besides, I'm PER-"

Narcissa rolled her eyes, and grabbed Bellatrix's hand before the elder could scream something about how she _was_ perfectly sane no matter what anyone said, pulling her out of the room. "Come on, Bells, I want to try something new on your hair… And do you have my hundred galleons? I want my hundred galleons back, Bella…"

Once the blonde had successfully dragged her sister out of the room, Severus turned to Lucius. "I understand this is war, from now on?"

Lucius stood, Draco automatically mirroring him behind. "You understand correctly."

Snape nodded slowly, his impassive eyes locked with Lucius' stony grey ones. They were both thinking the same thing: _I have got to beat him at this…_

Lucius turned to his son. "Draco, please tell your mother that I will be upstairs in our room if she needs me. Oh, and while you're at it, make a quip at your aunt's insanity, will you?"

"Yes Father." The blond teenager said resignedly. He walked past his father and pushed open the door, disappearing through it.

Lucius nodded once to his greasy-haired companion in farewell, and turned to walk out of the other door, his snake cane tapping on the marble floor with every other step.

"Oh, and Lucius…" Severus called him back. Malfoy turned to face him again, his face inquiring. "Don't ever call me 'Sevvy' again. I may have to kill you."

Lucius smirked slightly, and nodded once, before disappearing again.

--

Back in the Headmaster's office at Hogwarts, Snape sat down heavily in his chair, knocking over the tottering tower of papers. He sighed, reminiscing about how life was so much easier as a simple Potions professor, when he'd spend his days surrounded by the humid fumes of potions-gone-wrong and spend his days taking points from Gryffindor and making Longbottom wet himself.

"A lot on your mind, Severus?" Came a quiet voice from behind him.

Snape turned in his seat to look at the portrait behind him. "More than you could imagine, Albus." He said quietly.

"Alas, it is one of the many setbacks of being a triple agent, I'm afraid. Are you going to go through with it?" Dumbledore said serenely.

Snape sighed and sat forward in his seat, his head in his hands. "I have to, don't I? It'd look just a bit suspicious if I didn't."

"True. But do you have Voldemort's favour?"

Severus flinched slightly as the portrait said the Dark Lord's name; the skull and snake branded permanently on his arm flowed black at the taboo word. "Yes. I do. His highest favour... Better than that Lestrange nutcase or Malfoy."

Dumbledore chuckled slightly from his portrait frame. "It is a very fickle thing of Voldemort to do. Testing their loyalty… especially Bellatrix. I can't imagine she was too pleased at having competition."

"No, neither was Malfoy. Though he has less… _insane_ methods of showing his displeasure."

Dumbledore chuckled again. "Ah, dear old Bella… And how is Draco keeping?"

"He is… as well as can be expected."

"You have not tried to approach him about… the cause?"

"He doesn't trust me. Takes after his aunt in that aspect."

Dumbledore smiled slightly. "I can imagine."

--

Back at Death Eater HQ, or namely Malfoy Manor, Lucius Malfoy was pacing his room, his mind working furiously. Narcissa and Draco sat on the bed, watching him. "Honey," Narcissa said slowly, "Calm down."

"I can't calm down! I have go to win this or, or… or I'll drown myself in the bath!"

"That's what you said when you realised Bella was going to be your sister-in-law…" Narcissa mused quietly, tilting her head to one side.

"Don't talk about that woman in front of me! If she thinks she can just walk into _my_ home and boss _me_ about like some _House-Elf…_"

"Lucius, calm, calm, you know what happened last time you got yourself all worked up like this, and I'd rather it didn't happen again. Your hair does not look good when it frizzes."

"… And thinks _she_ has the right to act as if she _owns_ the place and we're all _beneath _her… I mean, has she ever even _seen _a hairbrush? Come on…"

"Lucius, this is my sister we're talking about…" His wife said warningly.

"… Stupid whore, thinks _she_ could be the Dark Lord's most faithful servant just because she _sleeps _with him more than she does with her own _husband_…"

"_Lucius!_"

"But it's true…"

Draco's head shot up. "Auntie Bella's sleeping with the Dark Lord?" He said, his grey eyes wide with shock.

Narcissa kicked her husband's shin hard before turning to her son. "No, no, Draco, of course she isn't… she's married to Rodolphus, remember…"

"Like that would ever stop her, the stupid-" Lucius started, but was stopped by another hard kick from his wife.

"_Not in front of Draco!_" Narcissa hissed.

"What not in front of me?" Draco asked, confused.

"Nothing, honey… grown-up things, that's all."

"O-oh… Shall I go, then? Mother? Father?" The teenager asked, standing up from the bed.

Narcissa sighed, and Lucius said, "Yes, Draco, I think that would be best."

"Right… goodnight then." Draco said, leaning forward to kiss his mother on the cheek.

"Night, honey."

Draco turned and walked out of the room, but not fast enough to hear his father say, "And her husband has yet to discover a brain, he hasn't even clicked on to it yet that his wife's a sl-"

"LUCIUS!"

"Sorry."

--

Bellatrix, lying down on her back on her bed, twirled her wand around a fizzled-out curl of her jet-black hair, an evil, slightly insane smile plastered over her features. She was imagining the many ways of hurting anyone who stood in her way at getting the ultimate prize: the- no, _her_ Dark Lord's highest favour. She would die for him; she would kill anyone for him, even her own sister. Her Dark Lord… yes… He would take her in his strong arms and tell her exactly how much she meant to him, and… ah, but she was getting sidetracked…

How to put Lucius and _Snape _off the trail, though, _that_ was the question… the Cruciatus, yes, of course, her favourite… blackmail? It was a possibility- Draco and Narcissa were the obvious choices for that one…

The madwoman was jolted out of her fantasies of torture and payback by a hand coming to rest on her corseted stomach. She looked up to see Rodolphus' ruggedly handsome face looking at her, his dark brown hair flopping into his green eyes. She sighed, and reached down her hand to his.

He rested his head on her starved stomach, drawing patterns on it with his fingers. She leant her head back onto the pillows and smirked, falling back into her imagination, which currently included her dear brother-in-law screaming until his throat went hoarse about how she, Bellatrix Lestrange, was the Dark Lord's favourite, and she always would be…

A voice brought her away from her twisted dreams, and Bellatrix had to stifle a laugh when she heard what her husband said.

"Really, Belle, you can continue lusting over the table at me. I don't mind."

Aww, don't you just love stupid!Roddy and IDon'tGetIt!Draco? I do. :D

**I hope you enjoyed that chapter, I tried to make it funny… but it's your opinion that matters. So, let that opinion be known to me, and the world, and leave a review! And title suggestions (see top) would be much appreciated, too. :D**

**Ellie xxxx**


	3. Presents

**Howdy.**

**A new chapter has arrived. You may now put away your pitchforks. I MEAN NO HARM… yeah, sorry about the really long update gap… I had HUGEEEEEE writer's block…**

**I do not own Harry Potter. Only a laptop. I love my laptop. It's like my child – I would die saving it. :D**

**Erm… enjoy!!**

Chapter 3- Presents

The sunlight crept through the curtains of Lestrange Manor, and the sounds of birds chirping floated through into the main bedroom. Without even getting up, an infuriated Bellatrix grabbed her wand, killed the birds and shut the curtains, before slumping back on the pillows.

"Belle?" The other lump in the bed spoke.

"Mmm?" She asked, rolling over.

Rodolphus smiled at her and reached up to twirl a ringlet of her black hair around his finger. "Good morning. Sleep alright?"

His wife shrugged. "Well enough." She said, before she looked up meeting her husband's gaze, the slightly crazed look of a new idea in her eye. "Roddy…"

"Yes, Belle?"

"I think I know how I might just win this thing…"

"I knew you would, ma belle." He said, leaning over to kiss her. She kissed back urgently, until she felt his nose brush hers. Damn. The definite feel of his nose on her skin assured her that she wasn't who she hoped he was. She pulled back, and, forcing a smile on her face, yanked back the covers and stood up. Silently fuming, she dressed in a black, low-cut dress.

When both she and her husband were dressed, both felt the familiar burning pain in their left forearms. Twirling on the spot, the Apparated to their Lord's side.

Lucius and Draco were already there – Narcissa had obviously opted to spend another hour in bed, seeing as she wasn't actually a Death Eater, and really only went to the meeting to wind her sister up, and to check on Draco, of course.

Snape arrived a few seconds after Bellatrix and Rodolphus. Bella glared at the back of his greasy head, but he ignored her. From across the circle, Lucius smirked.

When all of the other Death Eaters had arrived, they moved to their assigned place in the circle – Snape, smirking wider than ever, moved to the Dark Lord's right hand side. Draco stood next to him. Wormtail was on his Lord's left. Lucius, snarling slightly, moved to halfway down the circle, opposite his sister-in-law. The incident at the Department of Mysteries had not been forgotten.

The Dark Lord strode in through the door, Nagini draped over his shoulder like a feather boa, only less feathery and hissing. He sat on the huge stone throne, and his red eyes scanned all of their faces. "My followers…" His high, cold voice carried through the field, which they had designated as he meeting point today, though he spoke in barely more than a whisper. He could see Snape by his right, listening carefully. The boy, Draco, stood two places down. He had risen in favour since Dumbledore's death, much to his father and aunt's annoyance. They both stood, halfway down the circle, obviously not happy about being placed in such low favour.

"My followers…" He repeated. "My sources tell me that one Ronald Weasley has just abandoned Potter and the Mudblood."

There were general murmurs of surprise. This was good news.

"Draco, Potter and Weasley were close at Hogwarts, weren't they?"

Draco looked startled at being asked a question. "Erm…" He said, but kicked himself into action – not answering the Dark Lord immediately had dire consequences. "Yes, sir. Y-yes, they were… Potter and Weasley… yeah…"

Voldemort nodded, a slightly amused smile on his lipless mouth. Draco dropped his gaze to his feet, shuffling his shoes into the dirt.

"Potter has made a mistake." The snake-like man continued. His followers hung onto his words, silent, but none more than one woman about half way down the circle, who was leaning forward, lips parted as if she wanted nothing more than to listen to his words. Voldemort smirked when he noticed her. "Yes, followers, Potter will bring himself down through his tactics. He is a boy, a mere wizard, barely of age and of no remarkable outspoken talent."

The Dark Lord stood up at this, Nagini slithering off his shoulders and onto the ground behind him, following her Master as he started walking slowly around the circle. He went left first, past Wormtail, who crouched even more in the presence of his Master. He passed Rookwood, Dolohov and Jugson, and finally reached Bellatrix. He stopped in front of her, looking down into her eyes.

"Harry Potter is no competition for me, or my _loyal, faithful_ Death Eaters." He emphasised those two words, lifting one hand to gently touch the side of her face. Her eyelids fluttered closed at his touch, and she leaned forwards even more. Her lips were so close…

"Of course," He continued, his voice cold, "Some of those Death Eaters lost to a _bunch of teenagers _whilst trying and _failing_ to revive my prophecy. This type of failure will not happen again." He finished, moving away from her. She stumbled forwards, her eyes still closed, at his sudden departure. Her eyes snapped open as she looked around, before she stepped back into her place in the circle.

The Dark Lord had swept back to his throne after he had finished humiliating Bella. He stood in front of it, his black robe swirling around him like dark smoke. "Bellatrix, Lucius and Severus, come with me."

As the others dispersed, the three remaining Death Eaters moved towards the throne. The Dark Lord sat down, sliding his hands over the stone arms as he smirked down at them. "I trust that you have the task required of you at hand?"

"Yes, my Lord." The three chorused.

Voldemort smiled horribly. Bellatrix, Severus and Lucius stood in front of him, waiting for him to speak. Everything was silent – even the birds that were usually up and chirping this time in the morning held their noise back.

Finally, the Dark Lord spoke. "Very well. You may go."

One after the other, they crawled forward and kissed the hem of his robe. (Bella took much longer than either of the others.) Then, they all Apparated back to their homes.

--

Severus arrived in the Headmaster's office to the sounds of the hundreds of students waking and going down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Sighing, he divested himself of his Death Eater mask and shrugged off his black coat, before heading towards the door.

"Enjoy the meeting?" Came a mellow, half-amused voice from behind him. Snape turned to see the portrait of Dumbledore smiling at him, blue eyes twinkling.

"Turns out Weasley's abandoned Potter." Snape said monotonously.

Dumbledore nodded. "Ah, yes. No worries, Severus, that will sort itself out."

"The Dark Lord seemed pleased at the news."

"Yes, I can imagine he would be. No news on anything else?"

"No. He seems to be calling meetings a lot, recently, for very little things."

"Tom always was one to show off his victories. Now that the war is finally going his way again, I think he likes to tell this. Quite childish, really, if you think about it, but there you go."

Snape nodded.

When he didn't say anything, Dumbledore smiled again. "Don't let me keep you from breakfast, Severus. I recall hearing something about pancakes this morning."

With a parting half-smile, Snape turned and opened the office door, walking out.

--

The gates to Malfoy Manor swung open magically as Lucius approached them. His boots crunched on the gravel as he walked briskly towards the front door. When he reached it, he tapped the front door once with his wand, and that, too, opened.

Narcissa and Draco were eating breakfast at the main table when he came in. They both smiled up at him when he came in. Dumping his cloak and boots by the door, he sat down at he head of the table.

"Good meeting, sweetie?" Narcissa asked as she sipped her tea. "Draco was telling me about it; apparently you had to stay behind?"

He nodded, grabbing a piece of toast as he sat down. "Yes. Me, Snape, and that whore you call a sister."

Narcissa glared at him, but didn't say anything more about his description of Bella. "Why?" She asked him instead.

"Oh, about the… y'know, Most Faithful thing."

"Ah, I see." She said as she put down her knife and fork, leaning back in her chair. "Thought of a way to win yet?"

Draco was silent for all of this, until now. "Father…" He started, but shut himself up quickly.

"Yes, Draco, what is it?" He asked.

"Well, you could, err… give him… the Dark Lord, a, err, present of some sorts. To, err, like, honour him?"

Lucius was shocked. That was a truly brilliant idea. Just as he opened his mouth to say so, an insane, horribly familiar cackle came from the doorway. All three Malfoys looked around.

Bellatrix was standing there, but staggered forward almost drunkenly when she was certain she had everyone's attention. "Excellent idea, Draco. I'm impressed." She said, reaching the table. Suddenly, she produced a moneybag out of her pocket and dumped it in front of her sister. "Here's your hundred galleons, Cissy. Don't spend it all at once." And with that, she turned and swaggered out of the Manor.

Narcissa and Draco turned tentatively to look at Lucius. They could almost see the smoke coming out of his ears. He slowly turned red in the face, his fists clenching around the pristine white tablecloth.

In the space of about a second, Lucius had knocked his chair back and was at the door, yanking his black cloak over his arms and shoving his boots on. Narcissa stood up too, calling after him as he stalked after his sister-in-law.

"Lucius!" She yelled from the doorframe. "Lucius, leave it!"

But her husband ignored her, instead grabbing her sister's arm and yanking her around. "What the hell do you think you're playing at, Lestrange?"

"Oh, so it's Lestrange now, is it?" She asks, grinning like a little girl who'd just been caught sneaking chocolate from the cupboard, tongue between her teeth.

Then he noticed her bare feet. "Why aren't you wearing any shoes, Bella?"

"And now it's Bella! Make up your mind, Lucius."

He scowled at her. Stupid hag.

"Bye now, Lucy." She smirked at him, before yanking her arm out of his grip and twirling on the spot, Apparating away.

Lucius balled his hands into fists, badly wanting to punch someone, preferably Lestrange. He swivelled on the spot, his boots stamping on the gravel. Narcissa was waiting by the front door. "She can't help it, y'know." She said, picking at her perfectly French Manicured nails.

"What?"

"She can't help being insane. It's Azkaban – it addled her mind, you see. Her mind and her hair…" His wife trailed off, staring into the distance before she composed herself. "But, Lucius, she doesn't know what she's doing."

Lucius looked at her, eyebrows raised as he kicked off his boots again. "Oh she knows what she's doing, alright."

--

Bellatrix cackled wildly as she walked barefooted down the path to Lestrange Manor. She was delighted to say the least; her thoughts made even less sense than usual. _Lucius thinks he can win but he can't win I'm there and my Dark Lord my Dark Lord and Snape is nothing not anything and my Dark Lord no one nothing can stop me my Dark Lord…_

She pushed open the door to her Manor to find Rabastan sitting on the sofa. Still cackling insanely, she kicked the door shut behind her.

Her brother-in-law looked up from his book. "Err… you ok there?"

She nodded; her eyes had the same glint of madness in them as they did when she was about to cast the final _Avada Kedavra_ and her teeth were bared in a feral grin.

Rabastan grimaced, and went back to his book. He worried for her sanity, he really did.

She turned and padded up the stairs towards her bedroom. Her husband was already in there, sorting through some old letters. He stood up when he saw her. "Belle."

"Roddy." She replied, before twisting on her heel and falling backwards onto the bed.

Her husband lay on the other side of the bed, pressing his lips softly to hers. After a while he pulled back. "Master…" She whispered, the whisper escaping her lips before she could stop it. Her eyes snapped open as she realised her mistake, black meeting green.

He smiled down at her. "I was just thinking of normal sex tonight, but if you want some of that then ok. I'll go get the handcuffs." He said, before standing up and walking to the cupboard.

--

The fireplace of the Headmaster's Office at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry glowed green, lighting the dark room and attracting the attention of the sallow-skinned man who was sitting at the desk, writing a long report with a bored expression on his face. He looked up to see a handsome man with long blonde hair step into his office.

"Lucius," Severus was surprised. He dropped his quill and stood up at the arrival of his new visitor. "What are you doing here?"

Malfoy sighed, as if he was torn between doing the right thing and what he wanted to do. "W-well, Snape, the thing is…" He took a deep breath. "Draco came up with the idea of presenting the Dark Lord with a… present, of sorts, and, err, the Lestrange bitch overheard us. So, I thought I would tell you. I expect to beat you fairly, Severus."

A corner of Snape's mouth quirked up at Lucius' last comment. "Thank you, Lucius. Give Draco my congratulations on the idea. No doubt it's the result of having me as his teacher for six years." This was as much of a joke as Snape ever made.

Lucius raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly. "Don't Severus. Bella's already claiming that it's the result of those lessons she gave him over the summer." He rolled his eyes.

Lucius smirked, and laughed quietly under his breath, before turning back to the fire. Taking a handful of the green Floo powder, he nodded once to Snape in farewell, before he threw the powder in the crackling fire and stepped in. Once again, the room glowed green for a few seconds, before sinking back into the darkness, lit only by the small fire, that it had been in before.

Snape sat down slowly, looking away into the distance. _A present, huh? This could be interesting…_

--

The next morning, the Dark Lord Voldemort, terror of the Wizarding World, awoke as usual. After changing into his black robes, he opened the door, giving Pettigrew a quick _Crucio_ as the rat-man sat on guard by the door. Pettigrew was his permanent guard now; he used to change shifts ever few days, but once it was Bellatrix's turn, he had learnt quickly tha some people made better guards than others. The better guards tended not to try and seduce their way into his bed.

As he opened the door to terrorise some Muggles before breakfast, he stopped. There was a pile of what looked like presents at the bottom of his door. He couldn't help but grin. Christmas had come early! Of course, nobody had ever _given_ him a Christmas present since those torturous days in the orphanage, but who's counting?

After checking that none of his minions were around, the Dark Lord squealed happily and sat down cross-legged in front of the presents. Attacking the first one immediately, he soon found himself covered in sparkly rainbow wrapping paper.

If anyone were to walk down the corridor a few minutes later, they would see the most feared man in the world playing with a blow-up snake toy, a Ken doll and one of those robots that annoy _everyone_ with their sound effects.

The three Death Eaters poked their heads around the corner, happy with the results of their presents.

"I never thought this would actually work…" Snape mused.

"I know." Bella smirked. "Now we just have to wait for him to decide his favourite, which will, of course, be _mine_. By the way, Lucius, what's that thing you gave him?"

"It's a Ken doll. One of Draco's old ones. Comes with the Barbies, you know…"

"Barbies… are they those things that look like mini Narcissa's?"

"Yeah. Severus, did you have to get such an annoying Muggle toy?"  
"I was brought up with Muggle toys." Snape said coldly. "And I figured he would like a new way to annoy us."

The other two agreed with this. Suddenly, Lucius spoke up. "Did either of you two actually write your names on your presents?"

There was silence, before,

"No… did you?"

"No."

"I knew I forgot something!"

"Damn."

Yeah, Draco plays with Barbie dolls. I can just see that…

**In case it wasn't clear, Lucius gave Voldy the Ken doll, Snape gave the robot, and Bella gave the blow-up snake. Yeah, bald, noseless, red-eyed sadists are always immature at heart :D.**

**Reviews will be rewarded with Oreos. YAYYY OREOS!!**

**Byeeeee.**

**xxxx**


	4. One For Bella

**Hellooo.**

**I promised you an update in September, so here it is.**

**This chapter is… a **_**different**_** kind of humour than the rest of the fic. I was experimenting, and this came up. It's the start of three chapters – 'One For Bella', 'One For Lucius', and 'One For Severus'. Seeing as this is 'One For Bella', it's mainly about Bella.**

**I know in other fics like this chapter they usually go to Wal-Mart, but they're English, so I thought I'd send them to an English supermarket, because Bellatrix in any supermarket would be funny.**

**Use your common sense here, people. If I wasn't JKR in the last three chapters, how could I suddenly become her?**

**Enjoy! x**

Chapter 4- One for Bella

The three black-clad figures say at the table, sipping the wine in their glasses as they watched their master play with his toy robot. The Dark Lord sat on his throne, oblivious to the fact that he wasn't alone, and pressed a button on the robot's head. _Processing data…_ It beeped in that annoying way it did, and Voldemort giggled like a little girl on a sugar rush, despite the fact that he didn't know what 'data' was.

"I sometimes wonder how a man who is entertained by Muggle toys for five-year-olds this much has managed to strike fear into the hearts of the Wizarding World." Severus said, pouring himself some more wine.

The other two made agreeing noises. Looking to the left, Severus saw Bellatrix staring at the Dark Lord with a love struck expression on her face. "Bet you wish you were that robot, eh, Bellatrix?" He asked, knowing she wasn't paying attention.

"Mm. Yeah? What? Uh-huh." She mumbled, never taking her eyes of the Dark Lord, resting her chin on her hand so she could stare at him better.

Lucius and Severus both snorted, but Bellatrix was still preoccupied with her daydreams, which currently included the Dark Lord being tied to her bed. "Oh, My Lord…" She murmured huskily, also oblivious to the fact that other people were near her.

The other two burst out laughing. Her head snapped up, and she immediately flushed a blotchy red when she realised that she'd said it out loud. "Erm, I… I…" She stuttered, before hiding her head in her hands.

"_Oh, my Lord, please will you sleep with me because I'm a slutty whore who doesn't understand the meaning of 'marriage'…_" Lucius imitated in a high voice.

Bella glared at him through her long, pale fingers, but before she could reply, a high-pitched shriek echoed around the cavernous room. All three of them looked up, to see the Dark Lord poking the toy robot madly, his shrieks becoming more hysterical by the second.

Bellatrix was on her feet before the other two. Her chair made a scraping noise as she shoved it back. The Dark Lord looked up, his red snake eyes wide. He gulped as he looked at all of their faces. "Err… How long have you been here?" He asked, trying to hide the robot behind his back unsuccessfully.

"Long enough, My Lord." Lucius said smoothly, grabbing the back of Bella's corset in case she decided to run over to their Master and attempt to seduce him right then and there, which would be excruciatingly embarrassing for all four of them.

The Dark Lord, still clueless that his followers had sent the toys, immediately started thinking of an excuse. "Oh, well, erm… I was planning to, err, send these to the Order of the Phoenix. They have… some kind of… spell, or… potion in them, which, err, kills the Traitors. And now it's BROKEN!" He sobbed suddenly, clutching the robot.

Bellatrix leapt forward, wanting nothing more than to comfort her Master. Lucius tightened his grip on her robes, yanking her back. She growled at him, but returned her gaze to the Dark Lord quickly.

Severus strode over to the Lord Voldemort and held out his hand. Sniffing slightly, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named handed over the robot. Snape flipped it over and clicked a little hatch open. "The batteries have run out." He concluded. When no one said anything, he sighed, rolling his eyes. "The things that make them work have died." He explained, exasperated at their lack of Muggle knowledge.

At this, Voldemort burst into more tears, and Lucius had to drop his snake cane and use both hands to hold his sister-in-law back. "Severus, is there any way we can get some more?" He called over Bella's enraged snarls of 'let me go!' while he tried to stop her from biting his hands clean off.

Snape nodded. "All supermarkets sell them. It would be easy if one of us just-"

"Supermarkets!! Ha!!" Bellatrix said, before, with one huge tug, she yanked her robes out of Lucius' grip and spun on the spot. The sharp _crack_ of Apparition echoed through the room that would have been silent, were it not for the passionate sobs of the Dark Lord at the demise of his robot toy.

"Ah." Lucius finally said. "Should we… go get her?" He asked, unsure of what to do.

Severus shrugged. "Nah. She'll be fine. Or she won't. I couldn't care less, really. Well, I must be off. Children's minds to poison, that sort of thing." And with that, he grabbed some Floo powder and, once the flames had turned green, stepped into them.

Lucius followed, muttering 'Malfoy Manor' under his breath. He realised too late that if Bella _did _die, he would become Narcissa's next hairdressing victim. His terrified cry of '_NOOOOOOO!!_' was lost in the Floo Network, never to be heard again.

--

A sharp crack echoed around the busy entrance to the supermarket, causing a small six-year-old boy to drop his lollipop on the floor and jumped. "Mum! Mum! Did you hear that?" He yelled, tugging on his mother's perfectly dry-cleaned pinstripe suit sleeve, wiping the sticky lollipop juice all over it.

"Jonathan! Mummy is on the phone! How many times have I told you not to interrupt?" She snapped, yanking her sleeve away from his sticky fingers.

"But _Mum_, there was a really loud noise! Do you think it's an alien?"

"Jonathan Leslie! We are going home _right now_!! You can forget about going to the cinema, young man!" She snapped, grabbing his hand and dragging him off, apologising profusely into the little metal box she had pressed to her ear.

"Filthy Muggles…" Bellatrix hissed, and walked out of the bush she'd been hiding in. With that, she strode into the supermarket, not noticing, or not bothering with the leaves in her hair.

The first surprise of many came when she sauntered up to the entrance of the supermarket, and the door opened without even an 'Alohomora', be it non-verbal or verbal. For a long time, Bellatrix stood staring at the wide-open doors, until a man in his late forties came up and tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse me? Is everything alright?" He asked, but immediately jumped back when her head snapped round, her eyes glittering with insane anger.

"Filthy Muggle!" She muttered, wrinkling her nose as she jerked her shoulder out of his reach. Nose still stuck in the air, she walked through the supermarket doors like she owned the place, only flinching a bit when they closed behind her.

She looked around, taking in the ceiling-high stacks of shelves full of food, the too-bright lights and the huge number of Muggles, and shivered, not because supermarkets are always cold. She spotted one huge woman with ten or eleven toddlers surrounding her, running around her feet, climbing on the shelves, eating or bawling their heads off, and walked over to her. "You there! Scum!" She called.

The woman turned. "What did you just call me?" She demanded, her many chins wobbling in indignation.

"Scum." Bellatrix said, as if talking to the mentally challenged. "Now filth, if you could just instruct me as to where I could find…" She paused for a second, trying to remember the name of the Muggle device she was looking for, "_Batteries_."

The obese woman looked Bellatrix up and down slowly. "And just _who_ do you think you are?" She demanded.

Bellatrix was shocked at such a question. This Muggle was obviously _very _dim-witted. Nevertheless, Bellatrix stood to her full height, and chanted out the name that had been drilled into her from the moment she was born. "Bellatrix Druella Black-Lestrange, eldest daughter of Druella Rosier and Cygnus Black, of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, wife to Rodolphus Lestrange, heir to the Lestrange family."

The woman stood in shock at this unexpected answer. Then suddenly, she smiled, realising why this woman (who looked insane anyway) was walking round in too much eyeliner and a torn dress, with leaves in her hair and a body that looked like it hadn't been fed for months. "Aah, I know who you are. You've just escaped from that mental home, haven't you?"

Bellatrix was immediately offended. How _dare_ she? "Filthy Muggles!" She hissed for the second time that day. Turning on her heel, Bella stormed off. After she passed a couple of shelves, she randomly turned into one aisle, the book aisle, and walked down it, looking with distaste at the Muggles there.

That was when it caught her eye. The book had a fluorescent pink cover and sparkly silver letters saying 'How To Win The Bad Boy'.

Bella stopped. The Dark Lord was _definitely_ a 'Bad Boy', and it wouldn't hurt to pick up some tips. Stepping towards it, she picked it up and flipped it over, so that she could read the blurb.

_Do you dream of getting the Bad Boy into bed with you,_ (the blurb read)_ but he's always turning you down, or showing you up? If, after your hardest efforts, he still makes you look like a fool, then follow these five sure-fire tips as to how to win the Bad Boy, and have him begging for more!_

Bellatrix grinned insanely. This was all she needed for the Dark Lord to fall in love with her. She quickly shoved the book down the front of her dress, and walked off, as if no one would notice the huge book-shaped bulge over her stomach. All she could think about was how the Dark Lord would react – his strong arms encircling her waist, pulling her closer… his lips at his ear whispering words of love and her husband, conveniently, nowhere to be seen.

After skipping down three aisles, she stopped in the make-up section, deciding to stock up on eyeliner while she was at it. Just as she was deciding between Midnight Black and Solid Black, she heard an unfamiliar voice call out "Andromeda!" Her head snapped up. Surely _she_ couldn't be here? If she was, there was no doubt she'd report Bella, and she'd end up back in Azkaban – not that that mattered, since the Dark Lord would come and rescue her anyway. She looked around for the face she hadn't seen for years, but instead, only saw a Muggle woman coming towards her, arms outstretched and a wide smile on her face. "Oh, Andromeda!" The woman said, hugging her. "I haven't seen you for _yonks_, I… are you alright?" She asked, pulling away and looking at her, concerned, when Bellatrix tensed. "Ted did say you'd been ill, but he didn't say it was this bad… you look completely different! You've lost so much weight… I assumed it was just the bug going round, but… And what's happened to your hair?"

Bellatrix didn't say anything, just stood stock still as the woman pulled the leaves out of her hair. She was staring at the woman in shock, confused as to how she thought she was _Andromeda_, (because they looked nothing alike, no matter what anyone said), and to why this Muggle thought she had the right to touch her, come near her, even. But she was rather pleased about the news of Andromeda's illness – maybe she'd just die and make everyone's life easier.

"Susie?" Came a shocked voice, this time horribly familiar.

"An… _Andromeda_?" The woman, Susie, said, dropping a leaf. "I-is that… then who's… who's this?" She asked, suddenly terrified, talking a step back from Bellatrix.

Andromeda walked round to Susie's side, her eyes widening as she recognised who it was. "B… _Bella_?" She asked, taking a half-step back, too.

"Who is she? I thought… I thought she was you…" The Muggle woman babbled, looking from one sister to the other.

"She's my sister." Andromeda growled through clenched teeth.

"What?" The woman asked, her brow furrowing in confusion. "But… but you said you were an only child…"

At his, Bella burst out laughing. "Ha! _Only child_, Drommie? Ashamed of your old family now, are you? You should be _honoured_ that I don't kill you now! If you have to be ashamed of one family, how about that filthy husband and daughter of yours?"

Andromeda snarled, her face contorting with anger. Bellatrix had many bad memories of what happened when her middle sister got this angry, so she ran for it. The sound of a bag being dropped on the floor and footsteps following her told her that her sister wasn't giving up that easily. "Catch me if you can!" She yelled over her shoulder, just to incense her sister even more. Shoving through shoppers pushing full trolleys, she ran as fast as she could, given the fact that she was wearing thigh-high high-heeled boots, ignoring the people staring in shock at her. She glanced over her shoulder: Andromeda was catching up, but there was still a lot of distance between them. Suddenly, she felt the book slide down her stomach, past her jutting-out hipbones and under the waistband of her dress, falling to the floor. Bellatrix skidded to a halt. She had to get the book back! She ran back towards it, sliding the last few feet on her knees to grab it.

Andromeda stopped right in front of her. "Caught you." She said coldly.

Bella looked up at her, still leaning over to protect the book. "And just what are you going to do now, Dromeda, darling? Send me back to Azkaban? I don't think you could." She hissed malevolently, glaring up at her and baring her teeth.

"Don't tempt me, Bellabitch." Andromeda hissed back. "What are you doing here, anyway? I can't imagine this is your idea of fun. There's no torture in it. _And _it doesn't involve whoring yourself out… are you still the same lunatic I was forced to live with?"

Bella snarled at her sister. "I'm on a mission for the Dark Lord, not that it's any of your business. He needs… _batteries_."

Dromeda raised an eyebrow. "You've finally lost it. You know what? I'll leave you to complete your oh-so-important mission, Bella. You have fun being his pathetic little lapdog, sex toy, whatever. I pity you, you know… Bye, bye, now." And she went back to where she'd dumped her bag, laughing her head off.

"And they say _I'm _insane…" She muttered, getting up and stuffing the book down her front again. When she realised people were staring at her, she snarled in an animalistic way and strode off to find the batteries.

They were in a small display by the 'electrical goods', whatever that meant. Her face fell when she saw how many brands and sizes there were. How was she meant to know which one fit the robot toy?

With a sigh, she grabbed one of each, and, trying not to drop anything, she made her way towards the big sign saying 'exit'.

"Excuse me!" A voice called. "I hope you're planning to pay for them?" A snooty-looking woman called. Bella turned and looked at her, until she decided that the faster she got back, the better, and paying did seem the easiest way.

Dumping the things on the weirdly moving shelf-thing **((A/N: A conveyer belt xD))**, she picked at her nails while the lady checked the things off. Narcissa had tried to give her a manicure, which didn't really work as she'd developed a nail-biting habit in Azkaban, so she was now trying to scrape off the nail varnish, which didn't work either as Narcissa was not stupid and had put a charm on the polish, making them stay on.

"Ahem?" The snooty lady coughed.

Bellatrix looked up. "What?"

"Could you please hand me that book? The one you are trying to hide in your… clothing?" She asked, holding out her hand.

Wondering how the book had been spotted when she'd hid it so brilliantly, Bellatrix pulled the book out and shoved that on the moving book thing too, cursing Muggles under her breath.

The woman raised her eyebrows at the book, but didn't say anything until the price was ready. "That will be twenty-eight pounds ninety-seven pence, please. Cash or cheque?" The lady asked.

"What?" Bellatrix said again, completely confused. The lady repeated the price. Bella was completely confused. _Pounds?_ Since when did _weight_ come into it… or were Muggles so barbaric that they made you pay with your own flesh? Terrified now, Bellatrix pulled out her wand and pointed it at the lady's head, leaning closer. "You will give me my things, and you will forget about the payment, or I will curse you so badly that not even your _children_ will recognise you at your funeral."

The lady raised an eyebrow. "Could you please put that stick down, Miss. And please give me your name. I'm going to have to report you to security."

Bella rolled her eyes. "Bellatrix Druella Black-Lestrange, eldest daughter of Druella Rosier and Cygnus-"

The lady froze. "D-did you just say B-Bellatrix Lestrange?" She asked, terrified.

"Yes I did." Bellatrix said, glad to see that at least one Muggle recognised her and gave her the respect she deserved.

The cashier grabbed the thing next to her – which Bellatrix remembered from somewhere was called a 'phone' – and punched in three nines. "Hello? Police, please… I've got Bellatrix Lestrange here, she's right next to me… yes…" As she babbled into the 'phone', Bella waited impatiently, until something sprang to her mind. Police… the Muggle versions of Aurors…

Gathering her stuff up, she sprinted for the door. Once outside, she laughed insanely and cast the Dark Mark into the air, before Disapparating back to Death Eater HQ.

--

The Dark Lord, frantic, had called Lucius and Snape back into his company to comfort him as he went through his 'hour of need', to use his words.

A sharp _crack_ made them all jump, and they looked up to see Bellatrix standing there, her hair more dishevelled than normal, but with a smug, yet still insane, smile on her features. She threw the batteries, all of them, at Severus. "Ha! I did it!" She laughed insanely again as Snape found the right battery and shoved it in. They all held their breath as he prepared to push the button, and… "_PROCESSING DATA!_"

Voldemort screamed with delight, and hugged his robot tightly. Putting it back on the table, he made his way over to Bellatrix, and kissed her full on the lips. As he Dissapparated away, taking the robot with him, she made a noise that was somewhere between a hiccup and a giggle, and promptly collapsed on the floor.

Lucius stepped over her, and picked up the bright-pink book. "How to… win the _Bad Boy_??"

**So… did you like it?**

**If anyone has any ideas for 'One For Lucius' or 'One For Severus', review or PM me. Review anyway :P**

**Ellie x**


	5. One For Lucius

**Sorryyyyyyyy about the huge long update space… my life is seriously stressful right now, and seeing as I have ****tons**** of homework to do, I don't have much time for Fanfiction.**

**I quote a little poem my lovely friend made up – **_**Fakes are illegal, fakes are sad, fakes are really, really bad**_**. In case you didn't get that, in short it means 'I am not JK Rowling'.**

**Bye-bye now. Enjoy. Review. Eat pie xD.**

Chapter 5

"YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE, BELLATRIX!!" Narcissa yelled as she sprinted after her eldest sister. Bellatrix skidded through a doorway, slamming the door behind her. With surprising strength, Narcissa yanked it open and ran after her.

The Dark Lord sat in his high stone chair, watching them with a half-amused look on his snakelike face. He was stroking his blow-up snake toy with one pale, skeletal hand in a menacing way as he surveyed his minions. Draco was in one corner, doing the homework that his parents still made him do, while Lucius was next to him, polishing his snake cane. Snape was at Hogwarts, and God knows where Rodolphus was. He hoped the man hadn't been stupid enough to try something with Bella. Rod, though not the shiniest rock in the rock garden, was a useful Death Eater.

Draco and his father both looked up as the two sisters sprinted past, then looked down again, disinterested. Since Bellatrix and Narcissa had been living together again, these 'makeovers' had become a regular occurrence.

The blonde Black sister leapt onto a chair and used that height to throw herself onto her sister, causing them both to fall to the floor. "Cissy! Get off! Please!!" Bella said, trying to get up.

Cissa only shifted slightly, so she was sitting on her sister's back. "Shush, Bella. Now, I found these ingenious Muggle things yesterday that you use on your hair… they're called _straighteners_…" **((A/N: Just pretend straighteners were around in 1997/8!! xD)) **

Voldemort smirked as Narcissa tied her sister to a chair, ignoring her protests, and grabbed a lock of once-beautiful curls, starting the straightening process.

The Dark Lord couldn't help but to remember when _he'd_ had hair… and a nose… He looked down at the four in front of him, three blondes and one with hair as black as night… plus the huge Azkaban-induced grey streak, of course.

He used to have dark hair. He used to be incredibly handsome. Bellatrix would have wet herself if she'd seen him. She probably wet herself now, but ah, well… she's insane…

"OW! That HURTS!! Cissy, if you do not let me go _right now_, I swear to God you'll regret it! Really! I'll steal Claudelia!!"

Narcissa froze. "You wouldn't!"

Lucius looked up, interested and satisfied that his snake cane was at it's full shiny potential. "Who's Claudelia?" He asked, ignoring his wife's _shut-up-now-or-I-swear-to-God-I-will-get-Bella-to-teach-me-how-to-tortue-people_ glares.

"Her dolly. It's quite sad, really. Even her son's probably given up playing with dolls, and she still can't sleep without it."

Draco blushed and shrunk further down into his chair at his aunt's assumption that he'd given up playing with dolls. Lucius made an 'ohhh' noise of understanding. "So _that's_ what the thing that kept prodding me in the middle of the night is… Still, at least she can sleep without a nightlight now…"

Bellatrix burst out laughing, until Narcissa yanked her hair particularly hard. "Bella! You promised not to tell anyone!!" She whined, stamping her foot but still managing to pull her sister's head back to an unnatural angle to straighten the front bits.

With a flick of her wand, Narcissa set her sister free, and Bella immediately stood up, backing away. Her hair now hung to the back of her knees as the frizzy curls had been straightened out, and the grey streak was less pronounced. The Dark Lord watched this with interest.

"Bellatrix," he said, noticing how all of them looked up. They hadn't realised that he was there. "Bellatrix, Draco, Narcissa… leave us." He commanded. They left the room, Narcissa muttering something about eyeshadow and baseball bats on the way out.

Lucius sunk to his knees and pressed his forehead to the dirt in front of his lord. "Sir, you require me for something?" He asked, looking up.

"Lucius, what does hair mean to you?" The Dark Lord asked.

Lucius' brow furrowed; he was confused at such a random, out-of-the-blue question. "Err… My Lord?" He asked, unsure of how Voldemort wanted him to answer.

"God, Lucius! You're worse than Bella when she's… caught up on something else. _What does hair mean to you_? You spend more time on yours than anyone else here! I very much doubt if Snape _ever_ does anything with his, and Azkaban's completely _ruined _Bella's…"

"Well, my Lord, it's a very, erm… it'…" But luckily, he was spared the duty of explaining exactly what hair meant to him, therefore avoiding admitting that he owned hair curlers, simply passing them off as Narcissa's (though he suspected that growing up with Bellatrix had put her off curly hair once and for all), by the Dark Lord speaking again.

"Do you think I would strike fear into the hearts of the Wizarding World more with hair, Lucius?" The Dark Lord demanded, staring off into the space above his follower's head.

_Well, sir, that thoroughly depends on what kind of hair; if you were going for the Bella-do, then yes, you certainly _would_ scare people_. He wanted to say, but thought it better to keep his mouth shut. His Lord certainly had a preference for his psychotic sister-in-law, especially when it came to the bedroom.

"Well, Lucius?" The Dark Lord snapped, impatient.

"I should think that it thoroughly depends on what kind of hair you choose, sir. If, say, you chose a bright green Afro with blue and red polka-dots, with yellow duckies on it, and was then forced into a sparkly silver and gold lycra suit by your girlfriend, only to have your picture taken and passed around all of Slytherin and being blackmailed with it until said girlfriend – who you broke up with _long_ ago and has since married – goes to Azkaban for fourteen years so you can sneak into her house, find it, and destroy it," Lucius took a well-needed breath, "then, sir, you would look more stupid than anything."

The Dark Lord was completely taken aback at this sudden outburst. "What kind of girlfriend would be evil enough to do that?" He asked, suddenly feeling as sympathetic as he could be. Which isn't really much… but it's the thought that counts.

"Bellatrix." Lucius admitted, a strangled sob escaping his lips.

The Dark Lord was shocked. "You went out with _Bellatrix_?"

"I don't want to talk about it." The blond man said quickly.

Unfortunately for Lucius, though, Voldemort _did_ want to talk about it. "For how long? Does Narcissa know? How far did you get? How old were you? Is Draco _hers_? Ooh, you simply _have _to tell me all about it!"

Any other day, Lucius would have snorted at the fact that his Lord and Master sounded like a hyped-up teenage girl, but was too caught up in the fact that he wanted him to _relive_ those years when he'd walked around Hogwarts holding _her _hand. Sure, he'd enjoyed it at the time, but now he looked back, he'd even trade his _hair curlers_ to make those times disappear.

The Dark Lord suddenly coughed, as if he'd realised that he sounded like a hyped-up teenager. "But, yes, Lucius. Do you think the bald look really _works_ for me, or do you think hair might give off a more sinister impression?"

"Like I said before, sir, it would depend on what kind of hair. What… what kind are you think of?"

"Ooh, I dunno… blonde, maybe? Red, to bring out the eyes? Or maybe black… erm… You're the servant here, Lucius! You are to go and find a wig for me! Make sure it makes me look evil, and not like you did in that picture Bella has!"

Lucius froze halfway through getting up. "_Has_, My Lord?"

"She made two copies." Voldemort said, but Dissapparated before his follower could say any more.

--

Bellatrix was mumbling to herself in the corner, stroking her wand. Narcissa glared at her, her hand gripping Draco's arm as if to keep him away from his psychotic aunt, who, it must be said, looked a lot less psychotic with straight hair.

Lucius stormed through the door; it flew backwards and hit the wall. Narcissa started over to him, but stopped when she saw he was heading towards her sister. Bellatrix looked up, eyes wide with a mixture of insane happiness, confusion, and, though she'd never admit it, fear.

"TWO COPIES!?" Lucius raged, shoving her back against the wall.

She leered at him when she'd realised what he was talking about. "Well, Lucius, the colour _did _bring out your eyes, and the duckies looked simply _adorable_…"

"SHUT UP!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME, BELLA? _WHY??_"

"Because… I don't like you, because you annoy me, because your wife's a pain in the backside, because you're an arrogant bas-"

"_Bella!_" Narcissa snapped.

"Arrogant… _barstool_, then,with no sense of _who_," she jabbed a finger into his chest, "is the Dark Lord's Most Faithful Servant!"

He smirked and leaned towards her. "I would reply, Bella, but I have to go on a _very_ important mission for the Dark Lord… be good, now, and try not to break anything… windows, mirrors, stuff like that…" He patted her cheek and walked away, kissing Narcissa quickly and ruffling Draco's hair before Flooing away.

--

As he walked down the dirty street, Lucius held his chin up high as he tried to keep dignity. His 'dignity' was soon down the drain as he shrieked with a pitch that most five-year-old girls would have been impressed with. Some teenage boys laughed at him, their beer bottles slopping about as they nearly fell off the walls.

"May I inquire as to what you buffoons are laughing at?" Lucius said smoothly, wrinkling his nose at the rowdy boys.

"I wuhlda fort I'wah obvus, may'. Yah dent ohm da fookin place, ma dog hoe." **((A/N: 90's chavs!! Translation: I would have thought it was obvious, mate. You do not own the --ing place, (inset random insult here) Ah. Chav!speak has killed my spellcheck…))**

Lucius, however, had been born and raised a Malfoy, where dropping a 't' would mean you missed out on jam and cream at the nightly family Scone Hour. Which was BAD. Have you ever had a scone without jam or cream? BAD!! "Excuse me, young man, were you perhaps trying to form the words 'I would have thought that was obvious, m-", but the second rowdy boy cut him off.

"Izzat real silvah?" **((A/N: R.I.P. spellcheck.)) **He asked, nodding his head at Lucius' trusted snake cane.

"The finest." Lucius assured him. "Goblin made, of course."

The boys looked at one another. "Yeh off ya fookin rocka, may'?" The third, a pimply boy with buck teeth, said.

Lucius rolled his eyes. Of course; Muggles didn't believe in goblins. Stupid filth. They didn't even believe in unicorns, for God' sake…

Lucius was jolted out of his anti-Muggle thoughts by his snake cane being yanked out of his hand. He turned to see the three Muggles running off, one of them carrying his snake cane. "NOOOO!!" Lucius cried. "Snakey!"

He very nearly cried, before he remembered that Malfoys _never _cry, unless, of course, their girlfriend passes round a picture of them dressed in… yes…

Suddenly, he saw a wig store. He smirked, because Malfoys never do anything but smirk. Sauntering in, he passed a group of teenage girls with bleach-blonde hair and multiple piercings who winked at him. He shuddered, reminded forcibly of a teenage blonde Bellatrix.

He walked up to the counter where a large man with a pinstriped wig on was staring into space. He cleared his throat. The man looked up. "Hello there! Welcome to Tarquin's Wig Emporium! What kind of wig are you looking for?" The man smiled, showing yellowing teeth. Lucius cringed away.

"Erm… do you have a wig that gives off an evil impression?" Lucius asked, aware of how stupid he sounded.

"… What _kind_ of evil, exactly?"

"Erm… what kinds of evil are there?"

"Well, there's the Disney evil, the Dracula evil, the cliché evil, the kid-safe evil, the totally-not-kid-safe evil…" The man continued to rattle off the many different kinds of evil, making Lucius drift off.

"Err, I think I'll just browse, thanks…" Lucius said. The man smiled creepily, so Lucius hurried off.

Red wigs, blue wigs, green, purple, orange, multicoloured, striped, spotted, bald, comical, dramatic… you name it, this shop had it. One wig even said 'my face is just as fake' on the back.

He didn't know which one to buy. _Lucius Patricia Malfoy! _He scolded himself, before cringing at his middle name. _Oh, stop being such a wimp. There are worse middle names in the world!_

_Like what, exactly?_

_I think Bellatrix's is Druella…_

…_Yes, that's rather awful. Anyway, you were saying?_

_Ah, yes… Well Lucius, you are a Malfoy. You are rich. You can buy all of these, some chocolate for Narcissa and _still_ be rolling in it._

_Ah… good plan. But Narcissa doesn't want chocolate. She's on a diet. She asked me if her dress made her look fat this morning._

_And…?_

_I shrugged._

_Oh, you idiot. How on Earth did you get her to marry you in the first place? You're meant to say no when women ask you that. What did she do?_

_She went crying to Bella._

_Oh, well done! You drove her into the arms of another man!_

… _Man? I said Bella…_

_I know._

Ohhh_… I get it! Hahahahahahahaha!_

_Just buy the stupid wigs already._

_Yes sir._

Lucius grabbed one of each wig and strode to the counter. "I'll get all of these."

The podgy shopkeeper looked surprised at the huge mass of wigs that were cluttered over his desk. "Certainly!" He said, amazed. This man certainly was someone special! Tarquin was lucky if he sold three wigs a week… He hoped the man would be coming back soon. He knew he should say something… make conversation… "Did you hear 'ow that criminal got sighted in tha' supermarket the other day? Wha'sser name… it's Le something… Le… strong? Le… _Lestrange_, that's it!"

Lucius' head snapped up.

"Bella-something. Trixie? Bella-Trixie? Is that it? Yeah, well apparently she caused quite a scare… she and some other woman chased each other round the place. She stole stuff, too… Hate to think how her parents raised her…"

Lucius swallowed. "O-oh?"

"Yeah… And there's been another breakout from wherever she and the others escaped over the summer… this Malfoy guy and others. We've been told to post up wanted posters…" He held a (very unflattering) wanted poster of Lucius up. "Wait a mo… this guy looks an awful lo' like… you…"

He dropped the poster and fumbled for the phone on his desk, keeping his eyes on Lucius, but the blonde man had pulled out a stick. "OBLIVIATE!!" He shouted.

There was a crack, and the desk was free of wigs again, but Tarquin couldn't quite remember who… what… where…

--

Lucius arrived back in his manor, dropping the wigs on the floor. The room was empty, but through the open door he could hear "He said I was _fat_, Bella! Am I fat? I am fat, aren't I? You're _so lucky_… you were starved for fourteen years, you look like a _skeleton_, but I'm _huge_…"

_What did I tell you?_

_Yes, all right, all right… what do I do now?_

_I don't know any more than you. I, after all, am you._

_Good point._

He started to walk towards where her voice was coming from, but an all-too-familiar high-pitched squeal distracted him. "Lucius! You got my wigs! Yayy!" The Dark Lord stood in the other doorway, clapping his hands together.

"Please don't kiss me…" Lucius said, remembering what happened last time the Dark Lord had been pleased with Bellatrix.

"Oh, don't worry. I have Bella for that." Voldemort shrugged, before he grabbed the wigs and apparated away.

Lucius turned away, only to smack into his sister-in-law. "What, Bella?" He asked, looking down at her.

She looked away. "Lucius, well… do you… do I look like a skeleton?"

Tarquin is just the cooliest name ever. :D

**I have nothing against the name Patricia, it's just not exactly the most manly name, is it? And I know Lucius' middle name is probably Abraxas, but that's just booooring.**

**Reviews will be fangirled.**

**Ellie x**


	6. One For Severus

**PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!!! I'm so so so so so so so sorry for not updating, but I have been REALLY busy. I'm sorry, again. (New Year's Resolution – Update fics faster.)**

**I don't own Harry Potter, but as of the 25****th**** I own a Slytherin tie and scarf!! How awesome is that? Very, is your answer.**

**I hate this chapter, just to let you know, but enjoy anyways!**

Chapter Six – One For Severus

Stupid Bellatrix… Stupid Lucius… Stupid First-Years, not knowing the difference between a Bezoar and a cricket ball… Stupid window, letting in too much sunlight and making his head hurt… stupid Harry Potter, stupid Weasley Twins, stupid Know-It-All Granger, stupid Draco… stupid, stupid, stupid!!!

Severus Snape was not in a good mood. He'd just had a particularly annoying class of first-years reported to his office when two of them had started throwing a Bezoar around like a Muggle cricket ball.

Severus remembered cricket. He remembered that one day in his primary school, which unfortunately James Potter had attended too, when Potter bowled the ball so badly it hit Severus, who had been standing ten metres away from where Potter had been aiming, right on his backside.

Potter's aim must have improved in the few years between then and when he became the top Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team. Unless… unless he'd broken poor little eight-year-old Severus' arse on purpose…?

Urgh. Stupid Potter. Stealing _his _Lily…

Stupid desk, not being big enough, stupid Dark Lord, stupid Dark Mark for hurting… With a sigh, Severus stood up and Apparated to the Dark Lord to find a very scarring sight before him.

Bellatrix was sitting on the Dark Lord's lap, worshipping his neck with her mouth. Lucius was standing behind the great chair Voldemort was seated on, looking at her with a more-than-slightly disgusted look on his face. The Dark Lord himself currently sported a lime green and orange wig.

"Bellatrix." The Dark Lord said. Bella just continued… whatever it was she was doing; Snape didn't want to know. "_Bellatrix_!!" He yelled, seizing her hair and pulling her head back, away from his neck. She whimpered but obediently sat back and looked at Snape. "Now, Severus." The Dark Lord continued. "With the help of this wig I have thought of a plan. Now, Albus Dumbledore was a great wizard, though he was blinded by _love_…"

Severus rolled his eyes. Here we go, another rant on _love_…

Voldemort continued. "However, I believe that he had something else, something more, that helped him. And that, Severus, is why I need you. I need you to steal…" He stopped for a dramatic pause, "The Lemon Drops!!!"

None of his three servants in the room said anything.

The Dark Lord rolled his eyes. "Dumbledore's lemon drops! When you three were sent to his office when you were at Hogwarts, were you or were you not offered lemon drops _every single time_??"

Two of them nodded. The Dark Lord looked at Bellatrix, a hairless eyebrow raised. She sighed. "Well, once, when I went to his office, he didn't give me anything. Granted, Ministry officials were there… and I was in a straightjacket at the time… though I can't fathom _why_…"

Severus and Lucius exchanged a worried look.

"Erm…" Voldemort seemed unsure of what to say to that, and decided to change the conversation completely. "So, Severus, I would like you to search his old office to see if you can find these lemon drops. I believe they have a magical property, so when he fed them to schoolchildren, all evil was forced out of them."

Again, there was silence.

"That is all. Go. Lucius, Narcissa is outside waiting for you. Bella, continue."

Both Severus and Lucius hurried to get out of the room as quickly as possible as Bellatrix attacked the Dark Lord with her mouth again.

--

Severus kicked the desk harder than necessary when he arrived back at the Headmaster's Office. "A mission for the Dark Lord?" Albus Dumbledore asked from his portrait.

Snape turned on his heel to face him, his robes swishing darkly around him. "Tell me Albus, did you feed lemon drops to schoolchildren to poison their minds??"

The portrait of the old man seemed to think for a moment. "Not that I can recall. I just like lemon drops." He finally said, popping a lemon drop of his own into his mouth.

"No, I didn't think so. The Dark Lord, however…" Severus trailed off, growling, before he sighed, pinching the bridge of his prominent nose as he turned away. "Where did you keep your lemon drops, Albus?"

The portrait was silent, so Severus tried again. "Albus? Where did you keep your lemon drops?" When no answer came, he turned back to face the portrait, to find that the person in it had disappeared. "_Damn_!!" Snape hissed, along with a few other, choicer, words. He did not need this today.

--

"Okay, Sevvy, just think _old_… if you were _old_, where would you hide sweets??" Severus muttered to himself, standing up from checking under the desk, only to find the second scarring surprise of the day standing before him.

"Hello, _Sevvy_…" Alecto Carrow said, a coy smile on her lips.

Snape flinched backwards, his leg hitting the chair. It was a well-known fact that Alecto had a little _crush_ on him to say the least, and Severus had spent the last few months trying to get rid of her. Today, it hadn't worked.

Alecto was wearing a dress that must have been either Narcissa's or Bellatrix's, as the Carrows could not have afforded something that expensive. It was stretched across her huge bulk, giving off the impression of a whale that somehow ended up in a million-galleon ball gown.

"A-Alecto… is there anything I can do for you?" He said, moving behind his chair and preparing to use it as a shield.

"Actually, Severus, there _is_…" She said huskily, moving towards him, her huge, elephantine hips swaying in what she assumed to be a seductive way.

_Oh, God no…_Severus thought._ I'd rather watch Bellatrix and the Dark Lord…I'd rather sleep with _Bellatrix_… I'd rather sleep with the _Dark Lord_, even…Lucius, Draco… JAMES POTTER, just not Alecto… anyone but Alecto…please… _ "Err, well, Alecto, I'm rather busy at the moment, with business for the Dark Lord, y'know, so… could it wait?"

"Oh, but, _Headmaster_, I've been a very naughty girl-"

"I'm, err, sure you haven't…" Snape said, moving around the desk as she started the opposite way.

"Oh, but I _have_… I think I need to be _punished_…"

"Really, Alecto, I'm sure you don't…"

"But Sevvy," Alecto pouted, her many chins doubling as she bent her head down. "Don't you want to punish me?" Realization spread across her face, and her eyes lit up. "Ohhh… _You _want _me _to punish _you…_" She grinned, licking her lipstick-coated lips as she made her way further towards him, backing him up against a wall. "Well then, Sevvy, you've been a very bad boy… Mummy thinks you need a little… _spanking…_"

Severus was terrified. _Not Alecto, not Alecto not _Alecto… he thought, until a plan came into his head. A bad plan, but it just might work… Just as Alecto's lips were about to touch his, he blurted out, "I'M GAY!!!"

Alecto froze, pulling away. "_What_??"

Severus swallowed. It had worked!! "Oh, yes. Gay. Completely twisted, y'know. Bent. Queer. Sorry, and everything, but I can't help being who I am…" He shrugged, not believing his luck as Alecto moved back, looking at the floor.

"G-gay?"

"Oh yes. You'll often find me in drag, down the local gay bar…"

"So… you won't… be with me…?"

Severus didn't voice his thought on how he'd be more likely to be with her if he were _actually_ gay, and just nodded. "Yup."

"Oh." She said. "W-who…? Lucius? Rodolphus? My brother?"

"All of them." Severus nodded, going along with whatever. "And Draco, the Dark Lord, Yaxley, err, Jugson, Rabastan, Travers, Macnair… Dolohov… Barty Crouch, before the Dementors got him, of course…"

Alecto looked heartbroken, dropping her gaze to the floor. "Oh." She said again. "Well, I guess… I guess that's that, then… I'll see you around, Sev-… Headmaster." The woman turned and made her way out of the office, closing the door quickly, but not quick enough for it to stifle the sob that escaped her lips.

Severus sighed, tipping his head back so it rested against the wall in relief. "Thank Merlin…" He whispered, closing his eyes.

He mentally kicked himself back into gear. He had to find these lemon drops for the Dark Lord. Damn. Okay, if he were a possibly insane Headmaster with a worrying obsession with sugar, where would he hide lemon drops?

Hmm… sock drawer… Albus Dumbledore _did _have a rather unhealthy obsession with socks, along with every single sweet Honeydukes' had ever produced. I mean, come _on_, even his passwords were about sweets! Just a tad on the sad side, y'know.

Snape's password was much better. No one would EVER get it. Severus was very proud of it. He had spent long tedious hours trying to think of it. _Sevvy rules_… it was pure genius.

Severus shook his head, forcing himself to focus. He didn't think he could live with Bellatrix's constant snide comments if she did win. He could just see it now – _"Not so snarky now, are we, Snivellus?"_, _"The Dark Lord wants to see you, Sevvy, though I can't imagine why, after all, I _am _his most faithful…"_…

So… where to look… desk drawers? No, they were filled with Snape's things, now. Bookcase? That hadn't been emptied since Dumbledore was alive. Might as well check…

Severus made his way over to the bookshelf and ran one long, thin finger along the titles. _Tales of Beedle the Bard_… odd, why would Dumbledore have a children's book? To read to first years?? Snape pouted. Dumbledore had never read a book to _him_. And he'd probably do voices and everything…

He shook his head, trying to clear it. Why did he want Dumbledore to read him a bedtime story? Oh, if Bellatrix or Lucius ever heard that… He shuddered to think…

_101 Ways To Treat Phoenix Coughs… What To Do When Beards Get Knotted… Romeo and Juliet… _WHAT?? _HOW TO WIN THE BAD BOY???_

Severus backed away. So… Dumbledore was gay…? No, no, he couldn't be… he was probably just… looking into the relationship Bellatrix and the Dark Lord had… for blackmailing purposes, yeah…

_Moving on…_ Snape thought as he made his way towards the next bookshelf. Just educational books, really.

Severus moved back to the other bookshelf. The gaudy pink cover and sparkly silver letters making him wince. _Why would Dumbledore have this? _He thought, his onyx eyes raking over it. _What's it about, anyway?_ Reaching out a hand, he picked it up and made to pull it off the bookshelf.

As he did, he saw there were strings attached to it, running from holes in the cover (he considered showing that to Know-It-All Granger just for a laugh) to the back of the bookshelf. Snape tugged, and the most surprising thing happened.

The bookcases started moving apart, some dust falling down onto the carpet as a secret doorway appeared between them. Light flooded the study as a pile of lemon-yellow sweets wrapped in reflective clear wrapping shone in the light that seemed to come from everywhere in the secret room.

Severus' jaw dropped. The pile was twice as tall as he, and nearly five times as wide as Alecto (which is saying something). He blinked, lifting his hand to shield his eyes from the blinding light reflecting off the shiny wrappers of the lemon drops.

_Jesus, Mary and Joseph_… was his first thought. _Now Dumbledore's died, Honeydukes has probably gone out of business…_

Severus took a step forward, grabbing a handful of the lemon drops. How had Dumbledore managed to buy all of these? Surely someone would have noticed when he walked back to the castle carrying that many sweets…?

_Well, the Dark Lord should be happy…I've found him enough lemon drops to last even his soon-to-be immortal life…_

Severus sighed, sitting back in his chair, happy he'd succeeded. _Just a little nap, _he thought, _before I report back to the Dark Lord…_

At that moment, Amycus Carrow came barging in. He was angry, his shunted-forward jaw clenched shut with fury and his small eyes sparkling. "You made Alecto cry." He stated, his Neanderthal monotone never changing.

Severus sighed. "Amycus, there was nothing I could do-"

"You made Alecto cry." He repeated.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Yes, Amycus, we've been through this…"

"Why you make Alecto cry?" _And this man is teaching children. What is the world coming to?_

Severus sighed. "I had to. It would have been worse otherwise. Look, Amycus, I have work to do, for the Dark Lord, so could you please-"

"Amycus no like when Snape make Alecto cry. Amycus angry Snape made Alecto cry. Amycus want to hurt Snape."

Severus shot up from his chair like someone had set it on fire. Amycus made up for his lack of brains by having a very, _very _large body. "No, Amycus, no… really, it was better this way… there was nothing I could do…"

Amycus started moving around the desk, towards Snape, until suddenly, he stopped, having spotted the huge pile of lemon drops. "Sweets!" He said, lumbering over to look at them. "Amycus like sweets!"

"D-do you, Amycus? That's good…" Snape stuttered, before an idea came to him. "Ooh, Amycus…" He spoke as if he were talking to a mentally retarded five-year-old, "If I give you some sweets, shall we forget about the whole Alecto thing, eh?"

Amycus seemed to be thinking for a moment, which scared Snape slightly. Since when did Amycus Carrow _think_?

"Amycus say yes." The huge man bellowed. "Amycus like sweets. Amycus want sweets." He lumbered forward and closed his hand, which was quite a bit larger than a dinner plate, around some lemon drops.

Of course, the mountain now had a huge hole in one side, and it started to rumble. A few of the sweets trickled down, before an entire flood of the lemon-yellow treats followed them. Severus found himself knocked over by the tidal wave of yellow, his vision blocked by them and his mouth filled as he tried to scream.

The rumbling stopped, and Snape pushed up a hand out of the lemon drops. Sitting up, he spat out the ones in his mouth and struggled to move with sweets up to his chest. Eventually, he managed to stand up, trying to move over to his desk, but wading through knee-deep lemon drops is not an easy thing to do.

"Amycus have all sweets?" Came the low, stupid voice of his colleague.

Severus rolled his eyes. "No, Amycus, the Dark Lord needs some. How about you go give out some detentions, eh? Longbottom hasn't got one for a week, I hear."

Amycus nodded, looking happy at the idea of torturing Longbottom some more. He trudged off, eating the lemon drops without taking the wrappers out as he did.

Snape sighed, reaching into his pocket for his wand. It was empty. "Crap!" He hissed as he realised that his wand was probably somewhere in the mass of lemon drops.

"Why me? Why? Just _why?_" He whined as he walked back into the sea of sweets, reaching down to search for his wand.

--

Half an hour later, Bellatrix, Lucius and He Who Must Not Be Named sat in his throne room. The Dark Lord was sporting a new wig that made him look uncannily like Michael Jackson (and the obsession with small boys certainly didn't help), and Bellatrix was gazing down at him from where she stood behind his throne, giggling insanely as she remembered the time they'd just had. He had to love her. He wouldn't _use _her just for his pleasure and not love her, would he? No. She was sure of it.

Suddenly, it began raining. Lucius looked up, concerned he had a leak, until he realised that it wasn't water falling, but lemon drops.

Voldemort screamed in delight, holding out his hands to catch them like children do with snowflakes. When Snape apparated in front of him, he smiled and jumped off his throne. "Severus! You did it!!!"

Snape nodded. "Yes, my Lord. I hope my work is satisfactory…?"

Voldemort bent down, picking a sweet up and unwrapping it. "It certainly is. I've been wanting a lemon drop for _ages_."

Severus did a double take. "My Lord… I thought you said you thought they were poisoned…?"

Voldemort flapped an unnaturally long-fingered hand at Snape as he popped the lemon drop into his mouth. "No, no, but it would have sounded stupid if I'd asked you to get them because I wanted them!"

Snape rolled his eyes. _Stupid, my Lord? Why would we think you stupid after you wear wigs like that, play with toy robots and send your followers out for stupid little things such as batteries and lemon drops when you're _meant_ to be capturing Harry Potter!!_

Voldemort was too busy adjusting his wig to use Legilimency.

Like I said, I hate it, but what do you think? Leave a review!!

**xx**


	7. The Order Intervenes

**Hey!!! Guess who's off her Internet ban?!?!?!?!?!? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Aah, I love the Internet. Don't you? I think it's beautiful. I nearly cried when I saw the Google homepage come up :D ...That's sad, isn't it...?**

**So... September, as promised, here comes a new chapter. I've finished this fanfiction, done three more chapters of Twisted Diaries and two of babysitting, but none of Bella :/ Sorry, I'll get to work on that.**

**I know it's not a lot, but I actually realised that there are more things to life that the internet :o I know, shocking.**

**A lot of things have happened since I last updated. A certain boy or two, new and amazing friends, depression, my fourteenth and worst birthday yet... so much has changed in the last six months.**

**Enough of that, thank you so much for waiting, and I really really really hope you enjoy this. I love you all!!!**

Chapter 7 – The Order Intervenes

"Does this make me look fat?" The Dark Lord Voldemort gestured to his wig (purple with an orange peace sign on the front) as he asked this question to his Death Eaters, who were assembled around the dining room table of Malfoy Manor for what they'd been told was an 'incredibly important meeting'.

Lucius immediately had a flashback of being asked this same question every day for the past 24 years of marriage by Narcissa, or six times a day when she was pregnant with Draco.

Bellatrix looked down at her own stick-thin figure sadly. The skeleton comment had been haunting her since her sister said it. The Dark Lord wouldn't love her if she looked like a skeleton! She had to put weight on. Looking around to check no one was looking, she lifted a Honeydukes Mega Chocolate Bar of Draco's she'd been hiding under the table and took a bite, before shoving it back under the table.

Severus rolled his eyes, smacking his hand against his forehead. Voldemort glared at him, raising an eyebrow. "Are you saying this _does_ make me look fat, Severus?"

A loud, theatrical gasp echoed throughout the room, and everyone turned to look at Bella, who was glaring daggers at Snape. "How _dare _you suggest My Lord looks at anything but his best today! He always," She spun around in her chair to stare fanatically at him. "_Always _looks immensely powerful, majestic, beautiful, imperial-"

She was cut off by her husband; "Oh, Bella, you flatter me." Rodolphus smirked, leaning over and pressing a kiss to her temple.

No one quite knew how to answer that.

--

Two uneventful days later, Bellatrix (complete with chocolate bar) and Narcissa (complete with a Madame Salem's Slim-Easy breakfast bar) sat on one of the leather couches, probably gossiping at the expense of one of their peers. Lucius was bent over a bit of parchment, trying to help a bored Draco with his homework. Severus was in another corner, back to the others as he marked homework papers.

Suddenly, the room seemed to rattle. Everyone looked up, just as another rattle came. Lucius stood, staring at the front door. The rattle seemed to be coming from there…

And suddenly, the door burst open, and Aurors flooded through into the room, wands drawn and pointed at various Death Eaters. The room immediately burst into action; Bellatrix, who'd never really gotten over the fact that her baby sister was now more mature that she was, stood up and pushed Narcissa behind her. Lucius, still refusing to believe that his son had hit puberty yet, did the same with Draco. Severus just stood up.

Mad-Eye Moody, walking into the middle of the room, held his wand up to Lucius. Bellatrix was about to complain that _she _was far more fearful, and so all wands should be trained on her, not her wimpy brother-in-law, but Narcissa kicked her to make her shut her up.

"You are all under arrest by order of the Ministry of Magic, for crimes against the Wizarding World." Another man – Shacklebolt – read out. "For conspiring with You-Know-Who, murder, numerous uses of the Unforgivable Curses, housing criminals, escaping Azkaban, blackmail, torture…"

Shacklebolt continued reading for a long time. Tonks leant against the wall and started fiddling with a priceless ornament with the mantelpiece, until Narcissa snapped at her to '_stop touching that!!!'_

"…Theft, misuse of Muggle artefacts, lying to the Ministry…"

Bellatrix sat back down, bored, and picked up a copy of Witch Weekly, flicking to an article on de-frizzing hair in what she thought was a surreptitious manner.

"…Racism, blatantly ignoring the Decree of Underage Wizardry…"

Severus went back to marking papers. _Luna Lovegood, T-, please note that there are no such things as crumple-horned snorkacks, so therefore their toenails cannot be used in a calming draft…_

"…Using magic in front of Muggles, terrorism…"

Narcissa sat on her sister's lap and started French plaiting the wild mess of curls.

"…Depriving people of their free will, actual bodily harm…"

After what could have been an hour, two, or possibly an entire year, Shacklebolt finished; "…And cruelty to animals. But-"

"Oh, God, there's _more_!!" Bellatrix yelled, slamming her magazine down.

"But we are not here to arrest you on behalf on the Ministry-"

"THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT IN-"

"We are here to arrest you on behalf of the Order of the Phoenix." Kingsley said, and with these words the entire room began moving again. Narcissa found herself shoved roughly onto the floor as Bellatrix stood up, and Tonks pushed herself off the wall, grinning as her hair changed neon green. Mad-Eye Moody's eye spun with renewed vigour, and Remus Lupin's knuckles tightened around his wand so much his knuckles went white. Severus, however, waited until he had finished the end of his rant against Neville Longbottom's homework before standing up and readying himself for a duel.

"DON'T TOUCH NYMPHIE!! SHE'S MINE!!" Bellatrix screamed, stepping over her sister and accidentally-on-purpose kicking her in the head as she made her way over towards the Metamorphagus.

Kingsley immediately ran for Snape, glaring. "You traitor! You killed Dumbledore!!" Severus rolled his eyes – he got enough of _that_ from the other teachers at Hogwarts, especially McGonagall, and was thoroughly sick of it. Urgh, if only they _knew…_

He was distracted from his thoughts by a stunner that whizzed closely past his ear, singeing some of his greasy black hair slightly. Sneering, he sent back a hex of his own, but Kingsley ducked it.

Lucius was busy duelling both Remus and Arthur. He smirked, sensing a good opportunity to mock their shabby clothing. "I would think, Weasley, Lupin, that people like you would be out earning money instead of this volunteer work… or do you like dressing like tramps and house-elves?" His opponents both blushed and set their jaws, but couldn't help feeling slightly jealous as they glanced around the rich, well-decorated interior of Malfoy Manor.

Bellatrix and Tonks, however, hadn't even started fighting yet. They slowly circled one another, smirking but not saying a word, until – "So how's mummy, Nymphie?" Bella said, her voice high and excited, smirking cruelly.

"Much better since she left you and your stuck-up Pureblood shit!" Nymphadora yelled, her hair flushing bright red.

Bellatrix stopped circling, throwing her head back and laughing insanely. "Do you hear that? Cissy, _do you hear that_?! Ickle Nymphie's trying to be tough! Aww, Nymphie, do you think that'll scare me? How _adorable_. You're standing up to the big bad Bewwatrix. Mummy must be so proud-"

But Dora cut her off with a stinging hex. It hit Bellatrix's arm, and she gasped, clutching the sore spot. "You ugly little brat!! _Crucio!_" The familiar curse escaped her lips, and Tonks' eyes widened.

She ducked out of the way just in time, rolling to the side and hiding behind a heavily polished table, clutching her wand. She couldn't see anything but wood, but she heard Narcissa's voice and knew what Bellatrix was going to do next. "BELLA, NO!! NOT THE TABLE!! IT'S LOUIS XVI!!!"

But nevertheless, a crack echoed around the room, and the table split cleanly in half. Narcissa whimpered, but Bellatrix ignored her, her eyes alight with madness as she directed her wand at her niece, who rolled out of the way just in time to avoid a nasty bone-shattering curse.

Lucius looked around as he heard the crack, his mouth falling open when he saw the ruined table. Though he knew he could fix it with a simple _Reparo, _he knew it would probably have a seam… and if they ever decided to sell it, its value price would go down.

Arthur and Remus took advantage of this, both sending jinxes at him at the same time – Arthur a _Petrificus Totalus, _and Remus an _Impedimenta_. Lucius flew backwards into a wall, a slumped down, unconscious. But just as the two Order members hurried towards him, Draco stepped into their path, wand raised. Narcissa screamed, but before she could run over to him, Bellatrix grabbed her around her waist, stopping her from going anywhere.

Meanwhile, Snape and Kingsley's duel had risen in tempo. Spells and curses were flying left, right and centre, and while Severus sported a boil on the end of his nose from a nasty hex (which made it seem even bigger), Kingsley had a flock of canaries pecking at his hat.

Tonks leapt onto the glass coffee table, her now purple hair swinging wildly around her face as she spun around to face Bellatrix again. Bellatrix grinned insanely, throwing her sister onto the couch to keep out of her way. Narcissa glanced up, and saw that Lucius had now woken up and was fighting alongside his son; satisfied, she lay back on the sofa and picked up Witch Weekly, turning to the article _What To Do When Your Husband Becomes Surprisingly Feminine_.

Bellatrix smirked, licking her lips slowly as she stared at her niece. Nymphadora's eyes changed from purple to green, and they widened, her wand trained on her aunt. The elder, sporting what would be a spectacular black eye and a split lip, started circling again, walking one and a half times around the glass table. Tonks had a cut on her cheek, and her left arm looked unnaturally limp. Her breathing was fast as she stared fearfully at the insane woman, wishing she'd asked for some backup.

Bella leant forward, smirking ear to ear. "Boo." She whispered, and Tonks toppled backwards off the table, landing right in Narcissa's lap. The blonde raised an eyebrow at her, her eyes hardening into a glare that clearly said _get-off-my-lap-RIGHT-NOW-or-I'll-get-my-sister-to-kick-your-arse_. Dora laughed nervously, and stood up. Narcissa wrinkled her nose and pulled some anti-bacterial spray out of her pocket, coating her lap heavily with it. One can never be too careful with Half-Bloods around, after all.

Once she was standing straight again, Tonks felt around in her pockets for her wand, but they were empty. Spinning around, she looked back at her blonde aunt, only to see her holding her wand between two of her long, diamond-adjourned fingers. The Metamorphagus' eyes widened and turned black as she looked back at Bellatrix, who had her own, slightly crooked, wand pointing straight between her eyes.

"When you die, tell Daddy I say hello." Bellatrix smirked nastily, her eyes alight. "Avada-"

But she was cut off by the feel of another wand pushing through her wild mess of hair and pressing harshly into the back of her neck. Her mad, glittering eyes widened slightly, and she turned to find the grizzled face of Mad-Eye Moody. His eye whizzed excitedly around his head, and Bellatrix swallowed, trying not to be anything but overly confident. Moody was the one who put her in Azkaban before.

"Moody…" She said, but no clever insult came to her as her as his electric blue fixed itself on her, then slid out of focus as if he were looking behind her, _through _her.

"Lestrange." He replied, seeming equally lacking of witty replies. His wand was under her chin, and he raised it so it pushed against her jaw, forcing her to tilt her head up. "I see fourteen years in Azkaban wasn't enough. Perhaps you need to go back there."

Bellatrix flushed paler, her eyes narrowing at his reply. "And perhaps, Moody, you need to retire. All this Auror work must've gone to your head. I'm not entirely sure which of us is the saner."

Moody didn't answer, instead he flicked his wand, sending her flying backwards until she, just like her niece, landed on Narcissa's lap. But _un_like her niece, she didn't stop on Narcissa's lap, but instead her weigh toppled the sofa over backwards, sending both her and a screaming Narcissa onto the plush carpet.

Lucius looked up at his wife's scream, and bit his lip, now torn between helping his son and helping his wife. _Well, Lucy, just–_

_Don't call me that._

_I don't like it either, darling, but what else are we meant to shorten 'Lucius' to? Blame the parents. I do._

_Okay. Anyway, you were saying…?_

_Well, think about who's in the most danger, Drakie or Cissa. Draco, who hasn't even started his seventh year of school, is fighting off two grown wizards. Cissy is with Bellatrix. Think about it. Who's more likely to die?_

_Err… Draco…?_

_NO, you idiot!! Did you not listen?! BELLATRIX!!! You're leaving my beloved wife – oh shut up, I am you, so she's your beloved wife too – in the hands of a known psycho! What kind of husband are you?_

_You're right! Thanks, Lucius._

_You're welcome, Lucius._

Ignoring Draco's cry of "Daddy!", Lucius hurried over to his wife, picking her up and setting on her feet again. "Are you alright, darling?"

Narcissa grasped onto his arms, staring at him for a moment, before her gaze drifted over to Draco, desperately trying to fight off both Remus and Mr Weasley. "Lucius!!" She gasped. "How could you leave him alone? He's just a boy! What kind of a father are you? Go and help him!" Glaring icily one last time, she turned and stalked off.

Lucius slapped himself over the head. _Great advice, you idiot. I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight._

_Watch who you're calling an idiot. You're the one talking to yourself._

_So are you. You are me._

…_Touché. But unless you want to be sleeping on the sofa for a fortnight, I'd go and save your son's sorry arse._

_Good plan._

As Lucius hurried off to help his son (just in time to stop Draco wetting himself in fear), Tonks found her wand. It had rolled under a grand piano when Narcissa and Bellatrix had toppled over, and by elongating her fingers and arm she had just managed to reach it, and also find the one place in Malfoy Manor that wasn't spotless. She wondered vaguely if she should tell Narcissa that her house-elves swept all the dust under there, before her thoughts were cut off by someone tripping over her legs.

Dora's head whipped round, but as she did she whacked it on the piano leg. Wincing, she stared at the figure lying across her legs and recognised Kingsley, but he didn't look back at her. He kept his eyes fixed on the two Death Eaters with their wands trained on him; Bellatrix and Snape. Neither of them noticed her.

"I wanna kill him." Bellatrix giggled like a toddler, her eyes lighting up and her hair gaining volume as she said it.

"We can't kill them, you half-wit, we have to capture them and bring them back to the Dark Lord. You can tie him up."

"No, Sevvy, we _can_ kill him. You're just trying to trick me so _you_ get to kill him instead. But it won't work. Nope."

"Oh no, Bellatrix, you saw through my ruse. Whatever am I to do now?" He said, rolling his eyes. His voice dripped with sarcasm but Bella didn't pick up on that. She just giggled insanely, pointing her wand at the terrified Kingsley. "Avada-"

Dora's eyes widened. Kingsley… Bellatrix was going to kill him! Acting on a spur of the moment, she kicked out at Bellatrix's ankles, sending her aunt crashing over into Snape, who also fell over.

Kingsley and Tonks jumped up at the same time. "We better get out of here…" Dora said, ignoring the furious cry of, "NYMPHIE!!!".

Kingsley nodded, and shouted to Mad-Eye, Remus and Arthur, who were all fighting Draco and Lucius while Narcissa stood a safe distance away and squeaked whenever either of them were in danger.

The three Order members cast their final spells and hurried over to the other two. Tonks immediately took Remus' hand, and, with a final group-glare at the Death Eaters and Narcissa, they Dissapparated away.

There was silence, until a little sniffle came from Draco. "Mummy, those nasty men made me break a nail…"

**...I'm so happy to be updating :D Thank you all so much for waiting, reading this, and possibly... reviewing...? –cheesy grin- lol**

**A NOTE ABOUT REVIEWS – During my ban, my mum went through my emails a lot, and read the new reviews I was getting. I replied to all I could, but if you reviewed and I didn't reply, I'm sorry, it was probably one mum read :/ but thank you for reviewing, keep it up!! :D**

**xxxxxxxxx**


	8. The Mission

**I'm really sorry for not updating for so long – I have had SO much work. I probably shouldn't be updating now, as I have eight pieces of coursework and a Maths Mock on Monday (hahaa) but I am anyway :P**

**Chapters will be a lot slower now. Sorry, but when it comes to it, school is more important than fanfiction in the end. Thanks to everyone for being so patient xx**

Chapter 8 – The Mission

The moon was full and silver in the dark sky when two men and one woman felt their Marks burn. Bellatrix shot up in bed, managing to head-butt her husband as she did. Severus, who was still sitting at the headmaster's desk in Hogwarts, rolled his eyes and stood up, though he was secretly glad of the distraction. Lucius sighed and tried to sit up, but found himself unable to as Narcissa's arms were wrapped so tightly around his chest that he was struggling to breathe. She'd forgotten about making him sleep on the sofa, and he hadn't been complaining… until now.

"Narcissa… Cissy, darling… I need to go… let go, please…" He said, trying to prise her arms off him. She just made a little snuffle of disagreement and snuggled further into his chest.

"I wuv you." She whispered, smiling.

"I love you too, Cissy, but the Dark Lord needs me… come on… please… let go…" He pleaded, stroking her arms in an attempt to loosen them. "Please, beautiful? For me?"

"Why do you have to gooo?" She whined in a voice that made Lucius suddenly recall a four-year-old Draco. If she started calling him Daddy… well, actually that would be very kinky indeed…

"Because the Dark Lord needs me." He sighed. "Look, Narcissa, if you let go I'll let you give me that makeover."

She opened one eye. "Really?"

"Really." Lucius repeated, and sighed as he felt her arms slip from him. He stood up and got dressed, then bent down to kiss her. "I'll be back soon, beautiful. I love you."

Narcissa just muttered something about concealer and eyeshadow and went back to sleep.

--

"You're late, Lucius." Glared the Dark Lord, who was currently sporting a Heidi wig, complete with two pigtails with bows on the end.

"I apologise, my Lord. I had some… marital issues to attend to." As soon as he said it he regretted it; judging by the glare Bellatrix gave him, she'd taken 'marital issues' completely the wrong way.

"Womaniser." She hissed under her breath.

Lucius just rolled his eyes.

"Now, my minions…" Lord Voldemort said, twirling one of his plaits around an unnaturally long finger. "I believe that Potter and his Mudblood are situated somewhere near the Ashdown forest. Track them down. Kill the Mudblood if you wish, but keep Potter alive. He is mine."

Bellatrix, ecstatic at the idea of killing Granger, jumped up and down on the balls of her feet. "Yes, my Lord!!!" She grinned, the tip of her wand glowing orange with excitement. Severus merely nodded, and Lucius smirked, though inside he was jumping up and down about how he would probably avoid Cissy's makeover now.

"That is all. You may go." The Dark Lord said, and the two male Death Eaters bowed and turned to go. Bella, however, stayed rooted to the spot, staring at the Dark Lord, until Lucius came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, hoisting her up. "Come on, Bella."

"But…" Bella struggled, twisting around in her brother-in-law's arms to stare at her master fanatically.

"No buts. We've got a mission to do."

--

England has never been known for fantastic weather, in fact, quite the opposite. And now, sitting in the drizzling rain with frizzier hair than usual due to the humidity, Bellatrix was beginning to miss Azkaban. "At least it had a bloody roof…"

Lucius, who had both arms over his head in a failing attempt to cover his L'Oreal-worthy hair, had started to wish a long time ago that Narcissa had not let go.

And Snape, he was just brooding, because that's all he ever does, really. "This is stupid. I taught Potter for six years, and though he is certainly lacking in the brains department he atleast has the common sense to shelter when it's raining. There's no point sitting out here. He'd be in the deeper woods, if he's even here."

Bellatrix sneered. "Of course he's here, you greasy dingbat. The Dark Lord _said_ he was here, so he is here."

"I _hate_ to burst your bubble, you annoying old crone, but the Dark Lord is not always right. Remember the whole killing-Potter-as-a-baby plan?"

Bellatrix stood up, snarling. "How dare you? The Dark Lord is the greatest wizard ever to have walked the planet! He has a plan! He will kill the Potter boy! What do you think we're doing now?!"

"Following the orders of a madman wearing a girl's wig." Snape muttered, but a luckily timed clash of thunder drowned his words out. Lucius screamed and wrapped his arms around Bella's hips, pressing his face into her stomach. She just patted his head awkwardly, and Severus thanked the Lord Narcissa wasn't here.

When the thunder and lightening had subsided, Lucius slowly let go. His hair was sopping wet and had curled slightly at the edges, but luckily he hadn't noticed. As soon as he had let go, Bellatrix slapped him, hard. "First my sister, and now me. You're disgusting." She spat, spinning on her heel and striding away. "We need to find Potter and Granger. Come on."

Four hours later, they were wet, muddy and incredibly annoyed. Lucius had realised the state of his hair, which now challenged his sister-in-law's, and was desperately trying to straighten it with his fingers. Severus had killed four bunnies, eight voles and two squirrels. Bellatrix had found a stick and was whacking trees, plants, and accidentally-on-purpose Severus and Lucius with it, while muttering colourful insults at everything that moved under her breath.

Bellatrix's eyes widened, and she whacked her stick into the two men's stomachs to stop them, narrowly missing somewhere where it _really_ would have hurt. "Shut up! I can hear something!!"

They all fell silent, and sure enough, a teenage boy's voice could be heard. "Hermione, pass another fish, would you? …Thanks."

"Hermione…" Lucius muttered. "That's Granger! Draco always went on about her – no, Bella, not in _that_ way – and it's not a very common name, is it?"

Bellatrix giggled insanely in a voice that made her sound very much like a high hamster. Severus nodded slowly. "Hmm… it would be best if we surrounded them. Bellatrix, go over by that log, and stay out of sight. Lucius, stay here. I'll go over the other side." He pushed past them, making his way over to a large sycamore.

Bellatrix turned to Lucius, grinning in what she must have thought was an adorable way and fluttering her mascara-coated eyelashes. "Can I kill Granger, Lucy?"

Lucius rolled his eyes, shoving her in the direction of the log. "Just get on with the plan, Bellatrix."

She harrumphed and stomped loudly over to the log, whacking more things with her stick. Plopping herself down on it, she began to examine her ragged, half-manicured fingernails.

"Uh…" Granger's voice came through the trees. "This humidity's making my hair go even bushier. I can't believe I forgot to bring a hairbrush…"

A boy's voice – Potter – answered. "Come on, Hermione, it's not that bad. Next to Lestrange, you'd look like a model for L'Oreal."

Bellatrix shot up on her log, one hand immediately flying to her hair. "I…it's not that bad, is it?" She whispered to Lucius, whose own hair was almost standing on end. He just shrugged, smirking.

Snape glared at the both of them to shut them up.

Granger was laughing. "That is true. You'd think with a sister as vain as _Narcissa Malfoy _she'd be a bit more presentable… and I thought her family was meant to be _rich_? Couldn't she afford a dress that isn't falling apart?"

Bellatrix stood up, and was a second away from barging through the bushes and cursing both the teenagers into oblivion when Lucius grabbed her around the waist for the second time that day, throwing her over his shoulder. "Shut up!"

"In case you haven't noticed, blond-arse, that brat just called your _darling_ wife vain. Are you just going to let it get away with that?" Bellatrix hissed, grabbing his hair to stop herself toppling over.

"I plan to torture it later, but we won't if you don't shut your mouth!!" He said, turning his head as he did, but looking immediately away as he realised how close her bony backside now was.

"Shut up, Lucy, they'll hear us!" She snapped, successfully managing to knee him in the chest.

Potter's voice answered Granger's comment. "I think she's trying to make herself look… well, sexy. You should have seen the look she was giving me at the ministry. Evil bitch."

Bellatrix didn't know whether to be happy or offended by this.

Granger let out a bark of laughter. "Bellatrix Lestrange? _Sexy_? Don't make me laugh, Harry."

Bellatrix was _very_ offended by this. She shot up straight on Lucius' shoulder, causing him to wince as she pulled out a large clump of his hair. "Let me at her!" She hissed, desperately trying to wriggle free of her brother-in-law's strong grip, but to no avail.

"Bella, stop it now, or I swear to God I will tell the Dark Lord you don't like his wigs." Lucius snapped.

Bellatrix froze, tugging on his hair to stop herself falling over his back. "Fine." She eventually snapped, putting a bony elbow on his head and resting her chin on her hand. Lucius winced, but didn't reply – he was missing what Granger and Potter were saying.

Granger murmured some more, and Potter made a noise that was somewhere between a mock-sigh and a laugh. "Why do girls fuss so much about their hair?"

Granger laughed too. "Not just girls. Have you seen Lucius Malfoy?"

Potter snorted. "As far as I'm concerned, Herms, he _is_ a girl."

Lucius' mouth fell open, and he was about to stride through and torture them, when Bellatrix kneed his chest. He rolled his eyes and kept still, making a mental note to at least torture Potter.

Snape, over the other side, was bored. He had to listen to what he called 'teenage talk' all day at Hogwarts, and was distracting him by thinking up new insults to scribble over various Gryffindors' homework essays.

However, his interest in the teenager's conversation sparked up when he heard his name, "Greasy? Come on, Hermione, your hair is not greasy. Have you set eyes on Severus Snape recently? _That's_ greasy."

Snape's fingers tightened around his wand. Potter was just like his father… oh, how Severus had loathed James Potter…the arrogant bast—

He was cut off by someone whacking his back unnecessarily hard with a stick. He winced, and turned around to see Bellatrix glaring up at him. She'd taken off her five-inch heels, and it was only now that he realised how small she really was. He smirked, and her eyes narrowed.

"Why are you smirking at me like that?" Bella snapped, glaring up at him. She was _not_ short – all 5'4" of her knew it. It's just that everyone else was too tall. Especially Narcissa. How her baby sister had managed to hit 5'9" she didn't know. She blamed Lucius. Lucius was responsible for everything that was wrong with Narcissa now. He had somehow managed to turn the adorable, crybaby Cissy who did everything Bella said and couldn't sleep without forty-thousand cuddly toys at night into a freakishly tall, independent Narcissa who didn't do what Bella asked, and instead tried to order _her _around!! Honestly, men these days!

"No reason, you sour old hag." Severus sneered, turning his back on her, until she whacked it with her stick. "God damn it, woman!!" He barked, somehow still managing to keep his voice down. "What is your problem, you insane whore?!?"

Bella's eyes narrowed more, and she spoke dangerously quietly. "I'm _not _insane, Snape." She hissed, though the glare she was giving him suggested quite the opposite.

Severus rolled his eyes (subconsciously noting how she didn't object to being called a whore), turning away again and peeking through the trees. "Is there a reason why you're here, or did you just want to come and pester me?"

She prodded his back with the stick, bored. "Lucius sent me over here to ask what the signal is."

"What signal? What does he mean?"

"I don't know. Do I look like an egotistical narcissistic blond twat?"

Severus resisted the urge to say, _'actually, you do look quite a bit like Narcissa'_, because although her reaction would be hilariously funny, it would also blow their cover and therefore fail the mission. And although, underneath it all, Severus hated the Dark Lord, he did not feel like getting tortured until his eyes bled. Instead, he just sighed. "Go and tell him that I'll shake this tree, and exactly five seconds after that we jump out on them. I don't think they've got their wands on them…"

"Right." Bellatrix said, and stalked off. After about five paces, she walked back and glared at him. "I hate you, Snivellus."

As she walked away again, Severus rolled his eyes. "I'd never have guessed." He muttered sarcastically, then listened out for Potter and Granger's conversation. That's odd… there was silence. Maybe they were… reading? Granger liked to read (stupid know-it-all), but Potter…?

Snape sighed, glancing up as crack of thunder echoed through the sky (it was thunder, wasn't it? It sounded different, sharper… but it must be, what else could it be?) and shook the tree. Luckily, a few birds flew out the top, so it looked like a fox or something had startled them. _One grindylow, two grindylow, three grindylow, four grindylow, five grindylow!_

Severus shoved through the trees, pointing his wand at… thin air. He was alone in the clearing. No Bellatrix, no Lucius, but worse of all, no Potter and no Granger. Just mud. A lot of mud. Damn this English weather!!! Damn it, damn it, damn it!! Where the bloody hell were Potter and Granger?! And the other two?!

"No, Lucy, _I'm_ going first. _I _want to torture the Mudblood. You _said_ I could. Now let me get through!" Came Bellatrix's voice.

"Bellatrix!! I don't care about Granger!! Just move your fat bloody arse!" Lucius snapped, and his (spare) snake cane fell out of his hand, through the bushes and into the mud, slowly sinking down.

There was a pause, until, "Fat? Y-…you think I'm fat? So… I'm not a skeleton? R-really?" Bellatrix suddenly sounded hopeful.

"For God's sake!! What is it with women and their figures?!?!"

"You really shouldn't have to ask, Lucy, seeing as, according to Potter, you _are_ a woman."

"Shut up!!" Lucius' shout came, and Bellatrix came flying through the bushes, landing with a satisfactory _splat _flat on her face in the mud. She lay there for a few seconds, as if in shock, before she peeled herself out of the mud and onto her feet, just as Lucius came out into the clearing behind her, a wider smirk than usual plastered on his face.

Bellatrix slowly wiped some of the dirt from her muddy face off, flicking her hands so it splattered to the muddier ground. Her hair was coated in it, and her entire front was brown and dripping. "Oh… _ah!_ I have mud down my bra… eww…" She reached down her dress (both the men looked away) and scooped out a handful, then turned and lobbed it at Lucius. "You git!! Why the Hell did you do that?!"

Lucius just smirked, until he realised something and his face fell. "W-where's snakey? Where's my snakey?" He got on his hands and knees in the mud, not caring that it ruined his dragonskin cloak, and started digging.

Severus opened his mouth to point out to them, as neither of them had yet noticed, that Potter and Granger had disappeared off somewhere, when his mouth suddenly became full of mud. He spat it out and wiped his chin, looking up to see a notoriously happy Bellatrix grinning madly at him.

His temper stoked, he bent down, not taking his eyes off her face, and grabbed a handful of mud, then quickly chucked it at her. She turned her head to the side just in time, but it still splattered over her neck, cheek and ear. Taking a few steps back in shock, she promptly tripped over Lucius, who had flopped into the mud in tears at the loss of his snakey.

Now Bellatrix is definitely not the kind of person to take a blow like that lying down. She scooped up two large handfuls of mud (pausing for a second to drip some on Lucius' hair), and chucked it back.

--

Approximately two hours, thirty-seven minutes and fourteen seconds later, Narcissa and Draco Malfoy, Rodolphus, Wormtail and the Dark Lord were waiting in the meeting room. Voldemort had donned a neon pink wig that reached his waist, and Narcissa was standing behind him, French-plaiting it.

A crack echoed around the room, and three incredibly muddy figures appeared. "They, err… weren't there, My Lord." One, who the others could now recognise as Snape, said.

Voldemort stared at them for a minute, then burst into tears. Narcissa patted his shoulder, shocked, but the Dark Lord Dissapparated away. She then looked up at the three figures, her gaze focusing on her husband.

"Jesus Christ, Lucius!" Narcissa gasped, putting one hand over her heart as if seeing him wounded her deeply. "You _do _need that makeover!!" Her gaze then flickered to her sister and Snape. "You _all_ need makeovers!!" She grinned like a child in a candy shop, clapping her hands.

Bellatrix, oblivious as ever to her husband's presence, muttered, "I need to see my, err, darling husband. He's probably missing me," at the same time as Snape said, "I'm very sorry, but I can't; I have to, err, go back to Hogwarts, yes." And with a flash, they had Dissapparated, leaving behind a very bemused Rodolphus.

Lucius looked pleadingly at his wife, though he knew there was no point. Narcissa grabbed his hand and dragged him off upstairs, his desperate pleas falling deaf on her ears.

**This will be the last chapter updated in a while. I have finished this story, but I'm really really busy atm. Sorry, and thanks xxxx**


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